After the death of both your mom and dad

In the scheme of things, we expect to outlive our parents. It is in the natural order that we anticipate that our parents will die before us. And yet it seems that nothing prepares us for the loss – the void we feel following their deaths.

When my last parent died, I felt I had lost my buffer. Without my mom, there was no longer a layer that protected me. When she was alive, no matter what happened or what curve life threw my way, I had someone older and wiser to lean on and learn from. My mom was wise and she continually helped me put my life and experience in perspective.

Many friends share the difficulty of caring for a mother or father who is sick and failing. Roles become reversed and the child becomes the caretaker. But even in sickness, a friend shared that she was able to sit close and lean her head on her mother’s shoulder. Just the very act was comforting, even though their roles had reversed.

It is during this role reversal that many of us grieve for the parent we have already lost. And we might think that in grieving and accepting the loss, we will be prepared for the finality of death. But many of us find that nothing prepares us for our parent’s death; especially our last parent.

The pain of losing a parent can be surprisingly intense. I’ve heard this is true whether you have a good relationship or not. Most friends shared that the first year was the hardest. I found this true and was grateful as I moved into the second year following my mother’s death.

When my grief lingered, my husband encouraged me to find others to fill the void. “Look for someone older to establish a relationship,” he suggested. But I had lost more than my mother. Within a year of her death, my last aunt died along with most of my mother’s close friends. I felt as if I lost an entire layer of my life.

So how did I move on? I did cultivate a stronger bond with my siblings and that helped me feel the continuity of family. But in my mother’s absence, I myself filled the void and took on her role. I learned how to comfort myself and my family. I became stronger and looked to myself for answers. And if I ever have any doubts, I play my mother’s messages over in my mind. She did her job well and I learned from the master. “Things have a way of working out,” she often said and you know what, they usually do.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.

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Comment by JenLeg on January 31, 2012 at 8:55am: My Dad died at age 97 in late Oct 2011, and my Mom, age 95, just died on January 22, 2012. After 74 years married, they were only apart 86 days. When Dad died it was hard, but we were focused on Mom's health issues (she was in assisted living) so it was both a burden and a distraction. Now that she is gone, I feel a void, especially in the evening when I used to call her. Luckily, both were of sound mind up until the end, so we could always "talk." With some friends and acquaintances, they say "how lucky you were to have them so long" ...true, but as a friend who lost her Dad at 99 this past summer said, "other people don't understand that when you had them this long, you had a special relationship." I of course feel badly for people who lost parents at an earlier age, but somehow I feel that they are almost saying that my grief should be less than their own. Others say things like, "at least they are together again" which is true, but having not yet absorbed my Dad's death and now faced with the grief of loosing Mom, it's a one-two punch and I feel like I have had the wind knocked out of me.

Comment by Kay on May 8, 2011 at 9:30am: My Dad just died 6 weeks ago, and when he was alive and i missed my mom or brother I always felt like I could talk to him and he would understand what I was going threw. Now he is dead and I have a hard time relating to people. People ask me how I am and I alwalys say alright, no mader how I am doing because I feel like people dont really understand when I have anny other emotion wether it be feeling really crapy, or actually feeling good for alittle bit.

Comment by Freddie Reyes on November 10, 2010 at 12:29am: My mom passed away on 01-03-02,I cried everyday till sometime in august.Everywhere you went in our house in our house you would see a picture of her somewhere.I went to the cemetary with flowers as much as I could.There were a couple years that I made it every weekend.I did not participate in any holiday family functions.From november till january I kept to myself as much as I could with my memories.Thanksgiving 2009,I said yes when I was asked to have Thanksgiving with family.I realized that for those 7 yrs I never truly let go of her.About 12 days after Thanksgiving,I lost my dear sister.My pain returned,my life was crumbling cuz now my 89yr. old dad was starting to decline.I was grieving for my sis,thinking how I always thought she would help me with my dad when this time came.The days only became harder,I refused to place him in a home.I told him ,"I'm here till the end ! I don't know whose end mine or yours !" Last month he passed as I lay asleep in his recliner beside his bed.I can accept his passing,he had a long life,his body was so tired.He constantly asked when "we" were going home,life is so empty ,when you always see that person.... then you don't... FREDDIE REYES