This may sound crazy but I AM IN NO WAY STRONG!!!!!  Further it makes me feel like such a hypocrite when I hear friends tell me, and they are meaning it as a strong compliment I understand, that I am an amazingly strong woman, and such "compliments".  If they only knew!  It worries me that they may be getting a misconception of me as someone I'm not.  The person they are seeing is merely someone who is either silent or pleasantly agreeable simply to avoid conversation that might lead me to losing it in front of everyone.  No, this is not the case with everyone.  I don't want some of my close friends reading this thinking thats them saying that it's not, this isn't about you other than I really am not the strong person you think I am.


I feel like asking "do you REALLY want to know what is going on INSIDE of me???"  How either have to completely convince myself that he is NOT gone or I feel like I will die then I think that that wouldn't be such a bad thing...afterall I DO want to die..I want to be with my son!   But I don't want to leave my daughter or deprive her of all the joys of life and have her suffer the pain of not just the loss of her brother but also her mother?  No...I have no choice..I have only one way I can go and only one way I can be...being strong is a choice...this is not a choice.  What you see is me simply surviving amd trying to be a mom to my daughter when being a mom who just lost a child hurts like hell.  How do I explain that?  I end up smoothering my daughter if I try to be a mom because it hurts know, or maybe you don't,  I HAVE to go back to the very most painful position in my life right now because the most precious person who IS still with me needs me too...when I just want to run from being a mother or be woke up from this.


I keep hoping thatIam in a coma and soon I'm going to wake up and my son along with everyone else is going to be there. Its possible...afterall I'm not sleeping and wouldn't I need sleep?  I'm moving around and with my illness it hurts too bad to move around and stress would only make that worse so it makes perfect sense that it is possible this is all in my head.  So in great hopes, please don't take it personal when I say that all of you are some of the greatest people I hope I have never met.

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