The subject line of this blog runs through my head a lot sometimes. It reminds me of the Agatha Christie book "And Then There Were None"
There were 5 people in my family...and now there are 4.
Nowhere is this more apparent than when I get together with my family. I can get together with just my mother okay...although maybe not at her house. But add my Dad and/or my sister Pam...and I have a hard time.
Then it just feels like there's this overwhelming hole there...and it hurts a lot. Although Easter wasn't too bad...and Mother's Day was great...I think this feeling is worse on most holidays.
I want to find a way to make it more bearable...or I'm going to soon be tempted to simply skip holidays.
Memorial Day was not good. I don't know what happened. I was not anticipating a problem. But it was difficult for me...and worse when I got home. By the time I got home I felt like I had been punched in the stomach...I was sad, depressed, and really wanted my sister back.
And I was once again hit by the finality of death. I just don't know why that is so very hard to take in!!
NOTE: I actually wrote this is May to one of my online support groups. Since then I have bought a small bouquet of fake flowers...as well as a 4x6 frame. (the frame of course has a picture of Liz in it) I put these in my parents' living room. (I spend most of my holidays at my parents' house) This has actually helped considerably. In a way...it's like she's there. And this makes it bearable for me. And that's what I was looking for!
But that's just for the minor holidays. I have yet to hit the major ones yet! I've been preparing for them by making pretty online frames for some pictures where I wish my sister a happy holiday. And also make collages of the different elements of the holiday...a wish for her...and usually a picture of her that I plan on printing before the holiday, and holding on to it on that day.
For me...I need to figure out how I am going to handle each holiday ahead of time. And I mean as far ahead of time as I can. I've been pretty anxious about some of them until I have figured them out. Then even though I might still have some anxiety...I have even more peace about them.