Dearest Chris,

How I miss u. How I miss your voice. People tell me I need to get your things out of the house and start over but I can't do it. I know the dr says I am stuck in grief but you I finally figured out if it gives me peace of mind to hope and wait for u to come home so be it. I am and have tired so hard to get rid of your things but they are yours. I let your brother and sister pick out anything they wanted and the rest I put in boxes and stored in the attic. They keep u near me. I cry when I touch your things and some of it is good memories and other make me cry. I feel so bad all the time. I just miss u so bad. I think if I had to make a choice of something I would want to hear your voice again. How I miss it. I miss your laugh,listening to u while u fuss at the games your were playing, talking about movies and just talking in general. I never thought I would lose one of my children it was alway my worst nightmare. If anyone that don't know this pain God bless u. This is the worst thing in the world. I have never hurt so bad in all my life. It never stops. There is always a pain and since of loss and part of me missing. I tried so hard to keep u here. Nothing but the best. I want wish I knew in my heart I done it all right. I made so many decisions.I have had lawyers look at the records and they say nothing was not done wrong. I can't believe that. I feel as though they did. I hurt so bad. I would love for them to feel the pain I do. I often wonder when they get up and say hello or good morning to their kids do they think of us. They get an answer we don't. My mothers instent tells me they screwed up and they are going to get by with it and there is nothingI can do about it. I hate my life, I hate being here, I have other and grandkids but who wants to stay where all u know is saddness and pain. I don't want to be here without my kids. I would feel the samething if it was one of the others too. I have almost lost your sister 2 now due to illness and I am in a dead panic everytime. I can't breath can't walk, I can't live like this. Always looking around to see what terrible thing is going to happen next. My sweet grandsons keep me going. They are so like u. Sometimes I just cry when I hold them because they are so like u. When will the pain end? I do not believe in suicide because I want to see u again. But sometimes it is so hard to keep going.

Love Mom

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