March 7, 2011 my nightmare started.  My son, Tom was found dead by his own hand that morning.  Life has NEVER been the same since.  My heart still grieves, I am still waiting for that regular phone call from him - At times its still not real - that he is GONE.  He left years worth of detailed journals, which totally surprised me.  Many of the stories recorded I knew about, but I never had the details then. He hid his depression, hurts and sorrows with ANGER the past 11 years. We had a good relationship even though often we agreed to disagree on different topics.  He was such a STRONG man - or so I thought.  He hid so much pain from me as well as everyone he knew.  His death came as such a shock to everyone.  He left a video good bye where he let go and told about the demons he was fighting all these years.  It showed a totally defeated, broken man - not the son I knew and loved dearly all these years.  I wish he had confided more thru the years, but he didn't.  Now its done, my heart is so broken as he was MY ROCK - always there for me.  At times I feel as though I let him down.  But he simply did not want to let on how his "defeats" was a failure to him.....only to him - but he owned that defeat, that failure.  How I wish things were different....but that was my Tom.  Today now the funeral is long past, his ashes are on my desk, safe with me...and my heart still cries out to him.  I dont think he had a clue as to what that last decision would do to his loved ones and devastation.  Today with all the knowledge, after reading his journals, I still want to lash out at all those who HURT my son thru the years.  But it would serve no purpose - its over.  I know about so many times, I wish never happened....and saw how he handled those things alone - his choice. 

But today, again - I so dearly miss my son - what a waste to loose him at 40 years of age. He truly was on the top of his game...only he just didnt see it.  If only he could have seen his funeral and all the people with tears - he never thought of them?  He thought he was a zero and didnt count?  He was the type of man - either you liked him or NOT.  No grey area whatsoever.  He was loud, conceited, - but he loved with all his heart.  When he was in your corner, you knew he had your back.  Today it grieves me to know he felt he had NO ONE in his corner.....

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