I am in just a state of mind that I cant hardly be alone. When I am left alone with my thoughts, then it's like I go into zombie mode. I didn't tell him I loved him enough. I didn't spend enough time with him. I just want to know that he is okay. I want to know that he is just not in the dirt. I don't like leaving him alone out there when I go to leave the grave site. People make me feel like I should be on the track to getting on with my life. Why would I be? He was a huge part of who I am. I can see see when I close my eyes. Sometimes I can see him just lying there on the ground...gone. I did not see this in real life but this image I have in my head will not go away. I pick up the phone to call him sometimes. I have to say it out loud every single day to make it real. This pain is overwhelming at times. I see his truck or go by his house and its like a slap in my face. I say his name out loud and in conversation and people just overlook that I said it and it seems like I make them uncomfortable. I just want to hear him. I want to know that he is okay. I want him to know how much he was loved. That I miss him every single day and not a day goes by that I don't not feel this pain. In a way the pain lets me know that its real and that that is a price of the love I had for him. 

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