Can't go over it, Can't go under it, Can't go around it...just gotta go through it..

I got away to the beach with a friend for a week..NOTHING HELPS!!! I don't want to BE!  I'm not saying I want to kill myself which is how everyone takes it.  It's just so painful to exist.  When I first got away it was nice.  I felt like I could breath.  We enjoyed talking, my friend was great and when we got to the ocean..well the ocean always calms me..perfect AT FIRST. But in no time at all there it was again...the pain and worst of all while I was away with just my one friend (I feel bad for her) as support I got REALLY hit for the first time. :(  Numbness gone, full on full force of what's happened.  None of the words of comfort spoken that had any impact before held any ounce of comfort worse yet it was after my friend had gone to bed and I didn't want to wake her...with everyone using cell phones these days everyone turns their phones off at night or leaves them where they can't hear them...including my husband..I posted on facebook and it just happened that one of my boys (one of Andy's best friends) just happened to still be up because he worked late shift and he talked to me all night until others started waking and I went for my "God walk" (sunrise walk on the beach) and talked to some others until eventually my husband was up who was able to talk me to sleep.  I'm terrified more than ever now and hurting indescribably bad and I know that this was just a hole in the dike

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