Yesterday was a very bad day, it was one month since my love passed away, I still think I am in a nightmare that I will wake up from eventually only to realize it will not happen, being angry, the why's is not going away, I can't stop crying & could not go to work today because I just could not sleep last night at all, so I could not function today, everybody says it will get better with time but I seem to be getting worse, haven't been able to go back to church or the mausoleum, I am simply devastated.

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Comment by Terry Kent on March 11, 2014 at 7:37am

Hi Elvira: I hear what you say about your son. My son is 22 and he's constantly trying to get me to stop.  I think they see things differently than we do, probably because their relationship with their dad, no matter how close, is different than ours.  I keep re-living the accident and asking him questions like, what if this, and could this have made a difference, and he gets mad because he says I'm just driving myself crazy and I need to stop.  I just can't help it--I need to know all the answers, or at least I think I do.  If you would like to e-mail at any point, I'm at teepropp@Comcast.net.  We are so similar--maybe we could help each other get through this horrible tragedy in our lives somehow. 

Comment by Elvira Castellanos on March 11, 2014 at 7:03am

Thank you Carolyn, I appreciate your support, I don't feel I have the energy to do anything, I go to work because I need to, otherwise I would just stay at home doing nothing all day long, for some reason I do find some comfort being home where I feel I am closer to him & his things, it may not be the best thing to do but right now it is what gives me so comfort it we can call it that, I am trying very hard for my sons but it is extremely hard, I am happy that the garden has alleviated some of your darkness, I wish I could find hope in something.

Comment by Carolyn J Palo on March 10, 2014 at 9:22pm

Hello, wanted to reach out when I read your post. My name is Carolyn and I am 60 years old . I am in that nightmare too, and I found my way out after my second loss of a major family member.

I thought I was in some dark place, shocked, stunned, I was really bad. I couldn't see anything but what was immediate. Horrible. I started growing and collecting plants and seeds.  I put up big grow lights and used an entire back room as my garden room. One small bucket of hydroponic tomatoes up 6 feet, in just 30 days was interesting, and I loved to open the bedroom door to sunlight in the bad winter we had.  The sound of the bubbles in the hydroponics and the warm glow of the gro lux fluorescent lights made a lovely peaceful, beautiful garden room. It helps when you are really there, to just be in a garden room when you are overcome with grief, it has helped me through the unspeakable.

Comment by Elvira Castellanos on March 10, 2014 at 6:33pm

Hi Terry, thanks for responding, like you say it has been so long with our husbands that it seems unreal that we are suppose to live our lives without them, my youngest son Julian got a little mad at me today, said he is very worried about me & that his dad's loss is also very hard for him but that he is trying to look at his loss as him not going thru the suffering he would have gone thru because of the cancer, he also told me that he already lost a father & I have to  mourn but not to the extent where my health is being jeopardized because he does not want to loose his mom also, I know he is right but I can't help the crying, he tells me that I am not letting his dad rest in peace because I am holding him back because by seeing me suffer he is not at peace, I really do try but don't know how not to cry because I look forward ahead & can't see my life without him, I know you understand & feel the same way, hope today might have bee a little better for you, because it definitely was not for me.

Comment by Terry Kent on March 10, 2014 at 2:16pm

Hi Elvira.  I feel your pain.   I had a terrible weekend full of tears and daylight savings day was one of my husband's favorite days because he loved it staying light out longer.  I know he would have been out working in the yard yesterday happy for the extra daylight.  I cried all day.  I guess I should've gone out and raked the yard like he would but I can't seem to muster up the strength to be productive, and that makes me feel worse.  I don't think time is making anything easier either, even harder it seems.  I think we're both the same in that we've been with our men for so long (a lifetime) that life doesn't seem real without them.  I can't imagine that feeling ever getting better.  I hope somehow we can find our way through this.  I am lost there with you in that nightmare trying to wake up.

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