I've heard people say that emotions can be controlled.  I never believed it before and now I definitely do not.  We can choose what we do with our emotions and even that sometimes seems questionable to me

It's been almost a month since Andy passed.  That seems almost impossible.  To me I'm still going through the process of finding him, I'm not even sure I've accepted he's gone.  The Funeral is over and for so many life is back to normal and I"ve not even come close to the thought of "normal" or how it could even exist again.  I know I sound like a broken record or a silly child but all I can think is I WANT MY SON BACK.  He can't be gone...it just cannot be real.  My college background and previous experience with death would call this the denial stage..no I'm not in denial he really can't be gone because I cannot accept that.  I'm going to spoil his children one day.  I'm going to load them up on candy and sugary drinks just before it's time for them to go home!!!!  I'm not pure evil..I'm also going to watch his babies so he can have some weekends alone with his wife.  I want to hug my son again.

 

Will I ever get the picture of him laying cold on his bed out of my mind?  Will I ever forget how stiff and fold he felt when I tried to give him cpr?  And is the smell still there or is it just set so strong in my memory that I will always remember it?Can I bear to continue living in this house or can I bear not to? 

 

It's not even a question of How do I move on?  I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON!  Now if I could move back...if anyone has that one figured out..please let me know!

 

And when I think there are so many more of you out there going through this as well..I write, even though you'd never guess it on here, and I cannot think of a word that adequately describes how I feel knowing that .  Losing a child should be a terrible fluke...not something that so many of us must endure because I've faced a LOT of pain in my life of every kind and this...this is beyond what any human should have to endure.  I know "God knows how I feel because He lost His son too" BUT God is God!  HE knew what was coming and He knows everything.  He wasn't left with questions.  He wasn't separated from His son for "a lifetime"  Afterall we turn to Him because HE knows how to handle it right?  HE KNOWS/KNEW how to handle it!  I mean no disrespect...I'm just angry, in a lot of ways and I trust God is a big enough God to allow my anger and questions.  I'd be able to handle this without much problem too if I had only had to watch my son suffer for even just a week the say goodbye here only to wrap my arms around him moments later and say
Welcome home I love you! and be with him again!  So no, aside from being "all knowing" don't tell me God went through what I am going through because He didn't!

 

Now, with that out of my system, I am in no way trying to take away anyone's Comfort from the Lord.  I am a stronly spiritual Christian.  I'm not even sure who I'm angry at in this case...I know that the people who say that mean well and are good loving, caring people and I am grateful for them. 

 

I think everything is just getting to me and this is just one of the emotions I had to get out.  I'm not sure but I think by finally feeling like I CAN say the words I may feel just a tiny drop of humaness inside this shell of a body.  I'll let you know later if it is and also if it lasts. Don't be surprised if I can't let it last though

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Comment by Alicia Rodriguez on February 28, 2012 at 10:26am
Hi Lori I'm so sorry for what you're going through I was there and there's still day's I think to myself his in Minnesota working cause he was over there before he. Came back to Texas and passed.but it's been two years going.g on three and there's day's when I think of when he passed in hospital and I just want to go crazy I feel like I'm having a break down it is really sad if I didn't have my other kids' I don't know how I would maybe dead but I know it would of broke his heart to lose me but I would want him happy so I go on one day at a time and I pray you do to we just learn to ilve without them and it hurts but what can we do it just breaks my heart to think I'll never hear his voice call me or see him in my live time.but I just go on a.d I hope you do to they are in our hearts and with us all the time they will never be forgotten. So just made me cry missing my Jesse soon much.keep in touch and just a minute then an hour at a time and the days well pass and we are closer to them.keep strong try! Hugs to you.Alicia Jesse's Mom
Comment by Lori Jones-Andy's mom on February 28, 2012 at 3:41am

Alicia is there any way to get through this besides just surviviing it?  It's been almost a month, it's getting harder and harder to keep thinking to myself that he's in Switzerland with his GF or just hasn't had time to talk and is at college.  It's a charade I logically know but there's just that little tiny big of posssibility to me still that somehow..as I just wrote in a blog..maybe I'm in a coma and this is all just my imagination and soon I'm going to wake up and everyone including Andy is going to be there. or let it be me and not him..Not so long ago I was really excited because the latest news sounded very promising that some scientists were onto something that looked very promising to not just treating but CURING my illness..now..that's not..I don't know..God I feel guilty for not wanting to be here.  I feel guilty for hurting so badly over my son because I still have a beautiful wonderful daughter who I love with all my heart.  I can't help the pain though..I can't help hurting.  Believe me if I could I would..in soooo many ways I feel torn in so many different directions.   I don't think, I know I've not allowed myself to really FEEL and as bad as I hurt trying to "be strong"..I'm scared to death of possibly losing the control I have and feeling this..of facing the full truth of this.  And everyday I realize a little more, I'm going to have to...sooner or later unless God decides to take me or all of us tonight or real soon...I'm going to have to..

One thing Alicia, remember we did bless this world with two beautiful wonderful young men for a period of time.  And nobody exists on this earth without making a difference. Also we could have never had the opportunity to love them at all.  I want Andy back with me so badly, there is no way I would have given up the 20 years I did have even if I had known this was going to come.  It doesn't make it hurt any less but helps me be thankful that I have the opportunity to go through it..I'd rather it be what we consider the natural order of things..but then it would be my son hurting missing me...Death just stinks..at least the part where we are left here to miss them, and all that goes along with that.  Many (((((HUGS)))))

Comment by Alicia Rodriguez on February 26, 2012 at 7:12pm
Lori I'm so.sorry for.you're loss my son Jesse.has been gone.three years and times I still wait for him To come home and I know he won't I see his friends and his not here everyone go on with there lives but me I'm so lost I miss him everyday his bday is coming up in march2 and his not here.so there will be no party or celibating.not ever again on that day others do.celibate there loved once that passed I still can't I Wichita he could be here but it well never happened I cried when I read you're post but it is so.true how are we to go on without our sons Alicia Jesse's Mom hugs to you

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