I've heard people say that emotions can be controlled. I never believed it before and now I definitely do not. We can choose what we do with our emotions and even that sometimes seems questionable to me
It's been almost a month since Andy passed. That seems almost impossible. To me I'm still going through the process of finding him, I'm not even sure I've accepted he's gone. The Funeral is over and for so many life is back to normal and I"ve not even come close to the thought of "normal" or how it could even exist again. I know I sound like a broken record or a silly child but all I can think is I WANT MY SON BACK. He can't be gone...it just cannot be real. My college background and previous experience with death would call this the denial stage..no I'm not in denial he really can't be gone because I cannot accept that. I'm going to spoil his children one day. I'm going to load them up on candy and sugary drinks just before it's time for them to go home!!!! I'm not pure evil..I'm also going to watch his babies so he can have some weekends alone with his wife. I want to hug my son again.
Will I ever get the picture of him laying cold on his bed out of my mind? Will I ever forget how stiff and fold he felt when I tried to give him cpr? And is the smell still there or is it just set so strong in my memory that I will always remember it?Can I bear to continue living in this house or can I bear not to?
It's not even a question of How do I move on? I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON! Now if I could move back...if anyone has that one figured out..please let me know!
And when I think there are so many more of you out there going through this as well..I write, even though you'd never guess it on here, and I cannot think of a word that adequately describes how I feel knowing that . Losing a child should be a terrible fluke...not something that so many of us must endure because I've faced a LOT of pain in my life of every kind and this...this is beyond what any human should have to endure. I know "God knows how I feel because He lost His son too" BUT God is God! HE knew what was coming and He knows everything. He wasn't left with questions. He wasn't separated from His son for "a lifetime" Afterall we turn to Him because HE knows how to handle it right? HE KNOWS/KNEW how to handle it! I mean no disrespect...I'm just angry, in a lot of ways and I trust God is a big enough God to allow my anger and questions. I'd be able to handle this without much problem too if I had only had to watch my son suffer for even just a week the say goodbye here only to wrap my arms around him moments later and say
Welcome home I love you! and be with him again! So no, aside from being "all knowing" don't tell me God went through what I am going through because He didn't!
Now, with that out of my system, I am in no way trying to take away anyone's Comfort from the Lord. I am a stronly spiritual Christian. I'm not even sure who I'm angry at in this case...I know that the people who say that mean well and are good loving, caring people and I am grateful for them.
I think everything is just getting to me and this is just one of the emotions I had to get out. I'm not sure but I think by finally feeling like I CAN say the words I may feel just a tiny drop of humaness inside this shell of a body. I'll let you know later if it is and also if it lasts. Don't be surprised if I can't let it last though