God, please, I want to hold him just once more.

Todd died July 22, and since then chronicologic time has blurred; I cannot tell you what day of the week it is without referring to my calendar. I have lost my mother and father, and those losses were difficult, but losing Todd has been like having my arms removed. He was my right hand man and my left hand man. We were very, very happy together. Both of us loved to watch gymnastics and ice skating, and neither of us understood football. =-) He was about as nutty as I am and was very quick to forgive my many faults and errors. Where I fell short he strengthened me and propped me up. I miss him so much and I don't yet understand why he had to go.
He died of a coronary embolism. Because I am an RN the hospital allowed me to hold him while life support was removed. I was allowed to wash and bath his tiny little broken body and prepare him for the mortuary. I dressed him for the viewing, carefully ironing his new white shirt.I put his favorite jacket and tie on him.
Because I come from a very religious Mormon family I had just planned on getting thru the day of the funeral on my own and with Todd's family. My relationship with Toddles was the big elephant in the middle of the room that no one would talk about.
But they came. 
All of my siblings made the 200 mile round trip without my knowledge. All of them and their spouses. They are all very, very Mormon. I did not know they were coming. I didn't know why they would come or what they were going to do.
They grabbed me and hugged me tight. They cried with me. They told me that they loved me. And they told me how sorry they were that I lost Todd. They stood by my side, shoulder to shoulder through the service. 
After most people left the graveside I was able to see him one more time. I made sure he had his ring on nicely, and I put three dozen red roses in his arms. I hired a trumpeter to play lofty classical music at the conclusion of the graveside service; it was as if heavenly angels beckoned him home. I bought three burial plots. One for Toddles, one for his mother, and one for me. I am comforted to know that I have a place next to him when my time comes.
I still cry alot. For hours and hours.

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Comment by Yaz Rooney on August 16, 2012 at 4:03am

Much love to you Brent. I'm glad you now know you have the the love of your family, and that they now know its impossible to stop loving you. Grief has its gifts, though it is never ever welcomed. You have so much support here. Yaz

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