12:45 p.m.  Adult Children of Alcoholics meets tonight at 5:45 p.m.  I am just waiting to go there.  Ugh!  I feel so sick about the recent death of my brother.  I went to church yesterday and it was a great Bible study, very complex.  My life is good, stress-free and orderly.  That is because I have worked so hard for the last ten years to create the "new normal" after I had to leave my cruel family.  The only threat that faces me is if I reconnect to my family now that my brother has died.  I cannot do that.   I have to grieve alone or with strangers.  So today I wait for the meeting which comes in five hours.  It is so good to share this with the people on this website who are going through the same thing.

4:25 p.m.  I went to the YMCA and did laps.  I have one hour and 20 minutes to go until I can go to the ACA grief meeting.

7:53 p.m.  This is what I heard at the meeting.  Definition of "denial."  A woman smoking marijuana leaves her car with marijuana burning on her car seat.  The fire increases and the car blows up.  Fire engines come and put the fire out but the car is destroyed.  The woman buys another car and continues to smoke marijuana.  The point is that I should not be concerned that my family continues on its downward spiral, singing about moonbeams, lolly pops and rainbows.  This is THEIR denial.  Denial is the norm.  My problem is MY denial.  Being relatively out of denial has been my "new normal" for five years.  I cannot go back.   I do not want to go back.  It is none of my business what my family does.

Question:  Then why do I hurt so much when I see the heartaches they embrace?

Answer:  Because I love them.  Ouch!  I guess I just took another little step out of denial.

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Comment by Sad Beyond Words on October 3, 2012 at 11:21pm

9:14 p.m.   Saw the fortune teller today.   She says my brother is in Limbo and will reincarnate in three years.   I figure he will be reborn as a "smart baby", or "designer baby" having learned nothing from his mistakes in this life because they all paid off.  

Grief Group is tomorrow night at 5:45 p.m.   I hope I get some swimming in tomorrow.  I need the exercise.

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