Its been a struggle coping with this, I came across this site and kept reading... I thought I was alone, but looks like a piece of my family was taken, but granted a new family through those who have experienced a loss such as mine. My heart is open to those who need to talk to someone, I cannot say that I have the answers, but I know how it feels to hold everything in. Dont make the same mistake I did. Here is my story:
I was 15 when I lost My Father,a casual Sunday so I thought. I went off to play soccer and arrived back home later to hear that my father had an aneurysm. The drive to the hospital was never ending, millions of thoughts, will I see him again, will he recognize me... Why, why, why???
Needless to say, after his first aneurysm, he had another when airlifted to the hospital, and yet another during surgery. I remember when the doctors opened the door and told my family, your father only has a 5% chance to live... I was torn inside, and emotionless outside. I was in the hospital for 7 days, no sleep, barely ate, as did my sisters and mother. The images of him laying there are still engraved in my mind.
Attending the Wake, was merely a dream to me, seeing him lay in the coffin was something I never expected. I felt is hands, face... Cold, he was there but was not... I placed a photo my me in there with him, kissed his forehead walked, walked away and was the last time I physically saw him. The realization of my loss, was not when the doctor said he had minimal chances to live, nor seeing him at the wake... But the moment the Casket was lowered to the ground. Without knowing began twiddling my fingers, rubbing them together, until I was causing harm to myself without knowing. I literally wanted to jump in and be there with him....
Months passed, and began having suicidal thoughts.. Came to a point that I was in the back yard, with a knife to my neck. I blamed everyone, Myself, GOD... and asked the question that most people say,"why must you take the Good People first?" My savior came to me in the most unimaginable way... My Dog, he was unique... He would never listen, always be hyperactive, hated being around people... But that night, as I thought of that awful act, he approached me, sat next to me, and starred... Those eyes, that look, saved me, at the time I felt that no one cared, nothing cared. Grateful forever I will be that I am still here.
I don't condone what I was to do, truly something that I am ashamed of.
After a few years, I noticed a trend, mixed emotions, the occasional depression. I always thought is was stress related. It wasn't. Because of my inability to express the sorrow, pain, loneliness to anyone, I have enabled my problems to take over my life. Every time during Christmas, fathers day, birthdays, almost every month of the year those moments were re lived, from the hospital, to the wake, to the burial, and the emptiness of the home without a father.
I was affected by walking out on the streets and seeing happy families. Id get upset by hearing other persons say, I hate my parents.. All that came to mind, "Appreciate the time you have with them, Once they are gone, you wish to have any moment with them".
Im here because I still have recurring thoughts that hinder me from living a normal life. This is the first time I consider, counseling, therapy or anything that can assist me in dealing with this transition in life.
My strong traditional values were preached and preached to me by my father...The whole machismo type thing, where the man of the house was to be the strong one for the house hold, be it the father or in my case the only son. It was engraved into my head as a child and scarred me for a long time until I realized how hurtful it was. I thank him for the foundation he set before me, but have the never ending desire to say, I'll miss you, I Love You, .... and Good bye
Though I feel my life was hit by a hurricane and had lost my way. I cannot help but fathom the other persons going through what Ive gone through.My prayers, thoughts go out to you.
Ruben Arroyo. Jr