A little over a week ago on Feb. 7th, my boyfriend Tim of 4 years died. He was 21 years old, he was my everything. The day started out completely normal, I left mine and Tim's little apartment for work in the morning, he didnt have to be into work until later. I had a lot to do that day (work, school, doctors) and he promised me when he came home that he was going to rub my feet. I kissed him goodbye not knowing that was the last time I would see him alive. Throughout the day I would sneak in a few texts while I was working, he told me what he was doing (taking a shower, feeding the cat, getting on the bus to go to work) and we were talking about how much we needed each other. He told me he needed me and he wanted kissies when he came home. He stopped texting me after that. This didn't alarm me because every day he just stops texting me once he has to clock into work. I got out of work a little while later and had to go straight to school. When I arrived in my statistics class, I got a restricted phone call. I answered and it was a man who said he was Tim's father. He was crying and I didn't recognize his voice. He told me Tim was dead. I told them to fu-- off and I hung up. I thought someone was playing a sick joke on me, but something in me panicked. I ran out of my class and called my father. I told him someone just called me and told me Tim was dead. My father said to go to Tim's work because that is where he was supposed to be, and I had just been texting him and he had to have been almost there. My father said he would try to call Tim's work while I was driving. As I was driving I also began to call Tim's phone, I figured if I called enough times he would get the hint that he needed to pick up the phone. No one was picking up. About halfway to his work a woman picked up my boyfriend's phone. She said she was someone from a hospital. I told her someone told me my boyfriend was dead, and the words she said to me was "Unfortunately, he has expired." Keep in mind that I was driving. I began to scream and sob, my heart was in the worst pain I had ever felt and I had to pull into a parking lot. I was crying and thinking in my head any way that this could maybe not be happening, like maybe he was cheating on me? Maybe he was just hurt? Maybe the woman had mixed up patients? Anything but what she told me. I called my mother but she couldn't understand me exactly because I was screaming and crying so much. I called my roomate that Tim and I took in and told him he had to find a way to pick me up because I couldn't drive and we needed to go to the hospital. I waited screaming in my car for maybe a half hour waiting for my roomate to come get me. When he finally got me we drove to the hospital where the woman said she was from on the phone. When we got there they wouldn't tell me anything because Tim and I weren't married. It was an extra slap in the face because I have been living with Tim for a year! And he hasn't spoken to his parents in about that time as well. I was all he had and I wasn't allowed to know anything. I had to call Tim's father to get him to tell the nurse that I can know what is going on, which he did. They told me he was dead. They said he collapsed on the sidewalk and bystanders called 911. The EMT got there within 5 minutes. The doctor said they worked on him for a really long time, longer than they would normally because he was so young and so fit, but his heart had stopped, and nothing they did would bring it back. They told me he never felt pain and probably didnt even know anything was happening to him. They took me in to see him. He was on a stretcher his eyes were closed. It looked like he was asleep. I screamed his name over and over because it looked like he would just open his eyes. I ran to him and held him. It felt just like him, I layed my head on his chest, and it felt exactly how it feels when I lay on his chest every night to watch tv. I felt his skin and it just felt cold, but his hands were the same everything was the same, but I couldn't hear his heart and he felt so cold. I think I was looking for anything that would prove it wasn't really him. My roomate says I was talking to him but I don't remember talking. All I remember is what he looked and felt like and how badly I wanted to have a religion at that moment (because Tim and I always just believed in science). I wanted so bad to believe he was somewhere else. From that moment on I picture my love rotting...and I don't want to, it's a terrible thing to picture, but it keeps coming to my mind. After I left him they put me in the family room to wait for Tim's parents (who are separated) and my own mother. They all arrived around the same time. Tim's mother has always hated me and I was nervous to see her. Tim hadn't spoken to her in a long time, and was not on good terms with her when he left her house to come live with me. They went in to go see Tim, and then they left the hospital and my mom came back to mine and Tim's apartment. We had to wait for an autopsy to be done on Tim before arrangements could be made. I soon was told that I had no rights in the matter of Tim's final wishes once again because we hadn't been married. Tim had told me what he wanted in his funeral, because we started talking about it when we went to Tim's aunt's funeral. Tim told me he didn't want his body to be viewed, and he didn't want people to pray. Tim wanted people to listen to music he liked, eat food he liked, and talk about happy memories they had with Tim. His mother is a morman, and she didn't care what Tim wanted. She had a viewing, in a church and throughout the whole process showed me how little she knew about her own son. She left me out of his obituary and called me his "friend" in the program handed out at the funeral. She didn't know what he did for a living or what his dreams were, she didn't even have recent pictures of him. She buried him back in the town he was born in, which is a very bad neighborhood that he worked so hard to get out of. I feel like he is very upset that he ended up back there so far away from me and our apartment. Tim's mother is now trying to take all of his things out of our home and away from me. She thinks I hogged his things and now she is trying to make it seem like he was never in my life. We were going to be married this upcoming summer. We were so happy. We had our perfect daily routine. Tim loved his job and he even got promoted. He had so much talent and now I am alone in our little home that I can't afford now without Tim because we split expenses. I don't understand why this happened. I love him I would do anything for him, we were finally happy and now I am dead inside

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Comment by nancy on February 21, 2012 at 4:27pm

Nicole, I am so sorry. I too had a phone call from my husbands phone but from the police and they told me to pull over. He was found unresponsive on a bike path and wasn't responding to cpr. When I finally was able to get to the hospital 25 mins. later they were still working on him but I new it was too late. He had a heart attack and probably died immediately. I see you brought up religion. We are Christians. I watch "I survived Beyond and Back"  on  the BIO channel or on the computer. I suggest you watch it. It is so comforting if you're not sure where your honey is and it's killing you.Believe me, knowing my husband was a Christian it still bothered me. I love this show. I cried like crazy but most were tears of joy. I'll pray for you. My faith is the only thing that lets me sleep and gets me up every day. It's been over 5 months and it's just like yesterday. It sucks so bad but it helps to have so many other caring, loving people going through the same crazy life as you. Hugs to you!

Comment by Jane P. on February 21, 2012 at 3:03pm

Nicole, I am so sorry for your loss, but you  have come to the right place.  We are all grieving and we are all in different stages of grief.  You will find grieving to be a roller coaster ride full of emotions that will overcome you when you least expect it.  It is a baby step process where you will find you have taken one step forward and two steps back.  Some  of your friends may never understand what you are going through so that too will need to be sorted out.  You will need your family at this time and I would like to suggest joining a local grief group. Search the internet for some local groups, some are even free.  Come here often even if it is to read posts.  Sending many hugs, Jane P.

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