I went to an actual social function yesterday evening.
I went alone.
It was weird.
It was also liberating. Maybe 'liberating' isn't the right word... 'defining' maybe?
This was the first time I've done anything social since his open house non-memorial memorial party in March. I haven't wanted to see anyone because the one person I want to see more than any other is gone, therefore I want nobody. That's a dangerous logic.
It was a garden party - our old friends Deidre and Michael finally finished the addition to their home and back yard total re-do.
Lots of people - family, friends, even had a jazz quartet from Garfield High School (no slouches - that school wins national prizes).
Old Bay shrimp.
A spiral-sliced ham.
Vegetarian things for the unsporting.
Mixed drinks. Wine. Rainier on ice (for me alone).
True D & M style.
What they (the "they") say about being the survivor in a couple is true - friends really do drift away from you and you wonder why you've been abandoned. Again.
But I've come to realize it's me: I am the one who let go of the ties.
I guess I really did (and probably still do) need time (the other thing "they" tell you).
But what's the point? Wallowing? Pity, party of one, your table's ready! Tim would tell me I've wasted the last 6 months of my life being consumed by my own regrets. (Or, "get over it".)
So I went. And I didn't burst into either tears or flames.