I just came back from the grocery store. It was hard to shop when I knew I did not need to buy Lucky Charms or Hot Pockets, no frozen pizza or corn dogs. I didn't have to call home 3 times to ask, "what kind of pop do you want?", "Do you need deodorant?" or  "anything else you can think of ?". My phone didn't ring with Dylan asking if I could buy him some Axe body spray, or some face wash...it was a quiet trip to the store. I didn't cry, I have been trying very hard to keep that from happening in public, people do not know why I am crying. Sometimes they look at you sympathetically, sometimes they look at you like you are crazy. I miss Dylan so much, so,so,so much. I think of him all the time. Today I have filed as a "good" day. I have not cried uncontrollably, I have been able to function. I went to the store by myself. I would have been unable to do that yesterday. But still, I know just around the corner is another breakdown, another day where I will be unable to maintain my composure and I will, again, curse the Lord, and cry, and scream and feel I can not do this any longer. But then, I think of Billy, my sweet, and wonderful son, who needs me to be Mom, just as much as Dylan did. And the rest of my family. And I know I must continue to cope with this unbearable grief, my love for them makes it possible. My love for Dylan keeps my going as well, he would not want to see me hang my head in defeat. But, I still keep asking myself if I am strong enough for this, people keep telling me I am, I don't feel like it, I feel weak, and angry, and lost, and confused. How can I go on? I really do not know, it just keeps happening.

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Comment by Aida (Lil Joe's mom) on July 29, 2012 at 8:54pm

Hi Elizabeth. All the above sounds like me! I am also crying everyday. but everyone wants me to go out and have fun....but hello....my son just died 4 months ago...how can I have fun?Do they think it is easy to just go on like if nothing happened? I feel for you Elizabeth. It is going to be a hard road for us.Last night I dreamt (the first time)...I saw my son coming out of his grave...and he was alive but I was looking around for a casket....strange dream. First time I dreamt about him....is that normal?I saw his face and body and he was weak. crazy huh?Everytime I pass my his neighborhood is start crying. everytime I hear a song it reminds me of him. I say nice beautiful day then i say to my self....you are not here to enjoy this day...then I start crying again. I am not happy with my life. I am not happy w God. and sometimes I even get angry at my son for leaving me and his 2 babies and his widow and his brother. This all feels like a dream...real strange. I guess I haven't accepted yet. I am watching the olympics and my tears come down because he would've been watching the olympics also....what a lost...why him? why us? why did we get picked to go thru this suffering? too many questions...I feel for you Elizabeth.I wish I could tell you good stuff but I cant at this stage of my mourning.like i said people seem to forget my son after he passed away....unbelieable. take care and wait for the best to come out of this?

aida.

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