How much is too much?
Posted by Cheryl Powell on January 26, 2014 at 1:10pmView Blog
I feel like my whole life has been spent moving from one death to another. At age 6, my mom died. Age 13 I watched my grandpa die Christmas morning and was unable to move. I guess I was just so horrified, I froze. My aunt Shirley, who helped me out a lot when my mom died, passed away herself three days before Christmas when I was 21. I need to mention here that my mom was an unwed mother, so I had no dad. My mom was sickly, and with her being unmarried, there were no siblings either. 9 years later, I lost my grandmother to cancer. Suddenly I felt like an orphan even though I was an adult. I think I went a little crazy, because I screwed up my marriage after that and got divorced. My husband,Bill, kept our three children and I was out on my own. I still loved him, but I was so lost. A couple years later, I met someone and we were together 6 years and finally decided to get married. In the mean time, because go the kids, Bill and I remained close. Two months after I got married the second time, my first grandchild was born. I also found out that I was expecting again, at age 40! Three months later, Bill died of a heart attack. My heart was broken when I found out. I managed to make it through the next 13 years without losing anyone and then my world came crashing down. My oldest son died in 2010 when he drowned. 2 years later my second husband died. I have debated on whether or not to write this all down because even I find it hard to believe. But it's all true, every word. I've tried counseling numerous times, but it never helps. I have no close friends and haven't for years. I have no one left alive that I have a "history" with. You know, when you sit there and go remember when....or remember that time....
My girls live a couple hours away and don't call or come see me. My youngest son is now 16 and since he lost his dad, he worries about losing me. A lot! I don't even know if I have a question here. I made one bad decision after another my whole life. I often don't know "what to do" in a certain situation and have a bad habit of saying the wrong thing. I sometimes wonder why I was born. I miss Bill to this day and I can't even describe the pain when I think of Jason. Last week, the 27 year old son of a co worker that I'm kind of friends with, died suddenly and the loss of Jason hit me all over again. I don't remember a time in my when I was totally depression free, except before my mom died. I'm tired of always making the wrong decision, saying the wrong thing and being terribly lonely. I guess that's all for now. One other death in there that made me terribly sad was when my line leader at work went home one night and put a shotgun in his mouth. We weren't especially close, but it was still hard.