How much is too much?
Posted by Cheryl Powell on January 26, 2014 at 1:10pmView Blog
I feel like my whole life has been spent moving from one death to another. At age 6, my mom died. Age 13 I watched my grandpa die Christmas morning and was unable to move. I guess I was just so horrified, I froze. My aunt Shirley, who helped me out a lot when my mom died, passed away herself three days before Christmas when I was 21. I need to mention here that my mom was an unwed mother, so I had no dad. My mom was sickly, and with her being unmarried, there were no siblings either. 9 years later, I lost my grandmother to cancer. Suddenly I felt like an orphan even though I was an adult. I think I went a little crazy, because I screwed up my marriage after that and got divorced. My husband,Bill, kept our three children and I was out on my own. I still loved him, but I was so lost. A couple years later, I met someone and we were together 6 years and finally decided to get married. In the mean time, because go the kids, Bill and I remained close. Two months after I got married the second time, my first grandchild was born. I also found out that I was expecting again, at age 40! Three months later, Bill died of a heart attack. My heart was broken when I found out. I managed to make it through the next 13 years without losing anyone and then my world came crashing down. My oldest son died in 2010 when he drowned. 2 years later my second husband died. I have debated on whether or not to write this all down because even I find it hard to believe. But it's all true, every word. I've tried counseling numerous times, but it never helps. I have no close friends and haven't for years. I have no one left alive that I have a "history" with. You know, when you sit there and go remember when....or remember that time....
My girls live a couple hours away and don't call or come see me. My youngest son is now 16 and since he lost his dad, he worries about losing me. A lot! I don't even know if I have a question here. I made one bad decision after another my whole life. I often don't know "what to do" in a certain situation and have a bad habit of saying the wrong thing. I sometimes wonder why I was born. I miss Bill to this day and I can't even describe the pain when I think of Jason. Last week, the 27 year old son of a co worker that I'm kind of friends with, died suddenly and the loss of Jason hit me all over again. I don't remember a time in my when I was totally depression free, except before my mom died. I'm tired of always making the wrong decision, saying the wrong thing and being terribly lonely. I guess that's all for now. One other death in there that made me terribly sad was when my line leader at work went home one night and put a shotgun in his mouth. We weren't especially close, but it was still hard.

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Comment by Cheryl Powell on February 24, 2014 at 7:34pm
Yes, I am working full time days. Some days are better than others. I hate where I am too and keep praying that I will find a little happiness before I die.
I do try not to think about the past and try to focus on making good decisions, but what seems like a good decision at the time usually backfires on me...lol. As for trying to not lose anymore, well that decision is never in my hands.
Comment by DRG on January 26, 2014 at 9:40pm

try not to think of past bad decisions.  focus on future right or better decisions.  whatever it takes, make it happen.  forgive yourself.  you have already lost so much, try not to lose what you still do have. 

Comment by Cynthia Murphy on January 26, 2014 at 9:22pm

Cheryl, I wish that had been a rule too. Thanksgiving was David's favorite holiday. I have two classmates from junior high who recently lost their husbands. I guess looking from the outside they appear to being doing well as some might say of me, but once I get home for the evening, a whole new world takes over. I really hate where I am in my life and praying for better days when spring gets here. Are you working?

Comment by Cheryl Powell on January 26, 2014 at 2:47pm
Thank you Cynthia. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think God should have made a rule...you can't die on a holiday. :)
Comment by Cynthia Murphy on January 26, 2014 at 2:31pm

Hi Cheryl, I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes it seems like it will never stop. We just have to move on and keep trusting God. I lost my husband on Thanksgiving morning and I just didn't know which way to turn. I have be struggling these past 8 weeks but I started praying, asking for strength to make it every day. I'm far from where I want to be but I'm going to get there. I will remember you in my prayers.

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