Chris died on April 10, 2013 and life, as I knew it, ended for me too!
I am angry that God left me here to go on alone. I am angry that others survive cancer and my Chris didn't. I am angry that Chris is never coming back, and there is nothing I can do about it. I am angry that all the good things in life are behind me and only pain and loneliness, ahead --- and I will never watch another sunset with him, or laugh at a joke he made, or feel his touch.
We were everything to each other.
I met him when I was 48, after 13 years of being a single Mom. I fell in love with his smile, first -- and then his British accent. He was charming, smart, real. He had incredible energy. He could fix or build anything. He loved music -- woodworking -- machinery -- and me. He gave me 19 of the best years of my life.
We received his diagnosis in January and by April he was gone.
My heart hurts ---
It was 8:00 on a Tuesday morning. His daughter had left the day before to go back to her home in Canada, and my daughter had come that same night, from Kansas.
He didn't want to be in a hospital so we had Hospice. All the Hospice nurses said he was strong and that we had time. But they were wrong.
I put my face next to his and whispered, "I love you". He said, "I love you, too". and then . . . he died.
I have learned that grief does not travel in a straight line. It zig-zags, and doubles-back and come at you from different places. I have learned that it is okay to be mad at God. God can take it.
My family wants me to attend a grief group -- I don't want to. I cannot. So I am here.