Chris died on April 10, 2013 and life, as I knew it, ended for me too!  

I am angry that God left me here to go on alone.  I am angry that others survive cancer and my Chris didn't.  I am angry that Chris is never coming back, and there is nothing I can do about it.  I am angry that all the good things in life are behind me and only pain and loneliness, ahead --- and I will never watch another sunset with him, or laugh at a joke he made, or feel his touch.

We were everything to each other.  

I met him when I was 48, after 13 years of being a single Mom.  I fell in love with his smile, first -- and then his British accent.  He was charming, smart, real.  He had incredible energy.  He could fix or build anything.  He loved music -- woodworking -- machinery -- and me.  He gave me 19 of the best years of my life.  

We received his diagnosis in January and by April he was gone.

My heart hurts ---

It was 8:00 on a Tuesday morning.  His daughter had left the day before to go back to her home in Canada, and my daughter had come that same night, from Kansas.

He didn't want to be in a hospital so we had Hospice.  All the Hospice nurses said he was strong and that we had time.  But they were wrong.  

I put my face next to his and whispered, "I love you".  He said, "I love you, too". and then  . . . he died.

I have learned that grief does not travel in a straight line.  It zig-zags, and doubles-back and come at you from different places.  I have learned that it is okay to be mad at God.  God can take it.

My family wants me to attend a grief group -- I don't want to.  I cannot.  So I am here. 

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Comment by Yvonne Sanchez on September 16, 2013 at 1:17pm

Hi Barbara,

How ironic that our lives should be so similar. Today is my husband's 69th birthday. We also did everything together.  We had so many plans but, God had His plan.

We met when we were 5/6 years old. We attended elementary/high school together and the same college. We had this special feeling for each other but was too shy to admit it to each other. After college, we went our seperate ways. He married but I remained single. Years after his divorce, we reconnected and married shortly thereafter. We had 29 wonderful years and 2 beautiful children together.

Roland was diagnosed with Liposarcoma in October of 2011 and died April 22, 2012. He was admitted in the hospital the day before his official retirement and died 10 days later. Was I angry? YES! I was angry with God, the doctors and nurses and with him. But I remembered my daily prayers as I asked God to "let your will be done on earth, as it is done in heaven."

His older children were away in St. Louis and had planned to come in that Saturday. I called them and asked if they could come sooner. He had a chance to visit with them, hug and kiss them and his 3 grandchildren. He slept away that Sunday evening with all of us at his bedside. I held his hand until the last heartbeat. Roland had talked for two hours before he passed away. His words helped make me stronger. We prayed and recited the 23rd Psalm.

You have such beautiful memories of Chris.  Cherish those memories. Thank God for the time He allowed you to be together. There are times when I get angry all over again and my tears flow and I want to throw something but I remember his gentle spirit and that God's will must be done. Like you I refused grief counseling. It was and still is offered to me and my children but we chose not to go.

Recently there was a rememberance program for those who has passedwhile  in hospice and when I attended and saw that I was not alone and experienced others letting their feeling show and their emotions flow, I realized I was among kindred spirits. I was able to open up and release some of the hurt and pain I felt...I was able to let go of some of the anger I had harbored for so long and I felt closer to my husband. I now feel that he's with me everyday. We laugh and talk together and I write him letters and tell him how much I miss him. Some might think I'm crazy but this really helps me. I will pray for you that God will ease your heartache. It takes time. Don't be hard on yourself. If you don't think counseling is for you, do what you think is best. This group helped me tremendously when I lost my husband. I will keep you in my prayers.

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