Hi. I am new here. Never posted anywhere before but here it goes. Two weeks ago today I lost my husband. He had a heart attack and he was only 44. he was my best friend for 25 years. We divorced for a few years but talked every day and got back together 6 years ago. I have an 8 year old daughter who adored him, she was definitely a Daddy's girl. He was more of a Dad to her than her biological one. She seems to be doing OK. She misses him but says he is in heaven watching over her and will wait for her there. I try to be strong for her, she is what is keeping me going right now. Now I, on the other hand, am a mess. I feel so alone, wondering if he is really watching over us. I question my faith a lot too. Everything I do, I wonder what he would think of it. Seems like I am living in a nightmare, and cannot wake up. I hurt so much. But the worst is other people. Someone told me, "life goes on". I know I am alive, but at this moment I feel like my life is shattered. For a week now people have already told me that I need to turn in my new car and find a new place to live because I cannot possibly afford what I have. And since he died at home, I should move, to many things here to remind me and my daughter of him. I feel like people are so rude and trying to push me to move on. I finally told them I need some time for me and they backed off, way off. I am still grieving and they have moved on. My mind is a jumbled mess, sometimes it is just hard to think. I miss him so much. And I am so sorry for all the things I didn't do for him. I had breast cancer 19 years ago, he helped me through it. Now I have a spot on my other breast and a cyst on my ovary that I am having checked. The night before he died I told him I was really scared about it and he told me that he thought I would be OK. Now I feel so guilty. Was I so worried about myself that I didn't see something was wrong with him? He never said anything, but I should have paid more attention. I didn't get to tell him I love you that morning. When I woke him up for work that morning, he only said, OK, before he started breathing differently. I fought like crazy to keep him going until 911 arrived. I screamed, I cried, I begged, I pleaded to God, to his angels, to anyone, to help me. Just let me keep him.......I hurt so much.

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Comment by Elvira Castellanos on April 23, 2014 at 1:29pm

Oh Phyllis, I am sooooo sorry for your loss, I know exactly what you are feeling & don't u let anybody else tell u otherwise, whoever has not had a loss like ours, just plainly does not understand, I too lost my husband to a cardiac arrest on Feb 9th of this year after having been diagnosed with colon cancer stage 4 with liver, pelvis & lymph node metastasis without any previous symptom until he started with diarrhea & weight loss in December, he had turned 59 on January 7th & colonoscopy was on the 13th where he was diagnosed & given 2 yrs of life only to die less than a month later from a cardiac arrest, I like you question my faith & feel guilty about not saying everything I needed to say to him on the day he passed, we all feel the same, sorry that you had to join this group, but I can tell you that for me it has been a life saver, everyone here totally understand what you are going thru & nobody will ever tell you that you should not feel what you are feeling & that u should move on, I personally cannot accept my husband's loss, I was together with him for 40 yrs  & we were married for 33 yrs this past October, I wish I had the words to ease your pain, but I don't but know that if u need to vent, I am here fro you, I do all the time, your grief is very raw & even though mine was 2 months ago, I still feel the same.

Sending you hugs,

Elvira

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