I'm trying so hard to be strong so that I don't worry people. Most of the time I manage to hide the tears until I'm alone and then I fall apart. I don't know how to live my life without you. Thinking about the holidays coming up, knowing that this was your favorite time of year. We had such big plans this year and I know you were so excited about them and now it just seems so empty thinking about them without you. Everyone is still planning on coming to GA to spend the holidays here with us and I'm really trying to come up with ways that will help to include you but I'm just so lost.

The other day I was at the gas station pumping gas and the pump stopped in the middle of pumping and went back to 0.00. I couldn't figure out how that happened. I went back in the store where the clerk had insisted that it was not possible and that he was the only one that could reset that pump. I went back out and started the pump again and all of a sudden the wind picked up and I could almost hear you laugh. Was it you??? I want so badly to believe that it was you being mischevious as you so often were. I could hear Gotcha Mom. I wasn't usually on the receiving end of your pranks. That was left to you and Don but I could feel you there and I could hear your laugh. The clerk was mystified and insisted that it was impossible. Did you make that happen?

I miss you so much sweetie. The whole that has been left in my heart is unbearable most of the time. I put on a brave face for everyone but I feel broken. Don said something about me going back to work and trying to get things back to normal. How can it ever be normal again. My normal is you being here with me, not this. You were one of the sweetest people that I know and for this to happen to you is just so unfair. I don't care what anyone says in my heart I know that you weren't ready to go. You had so much living to do. I wanted to see you get married and I wanted to become a Grandma. It seems like every hope and dream that I had died with you in that car accident.

I would give anything to wake up from this nightmare. To see your beautiful smiling face. To hear "I love you Momma". God, this is just so unfair. I Love You now and Always baby. I hope you can feel that and know that there isn't a minute in the day that I don't think about you and miss you.

Always yours,

Momma

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Comment by Julie Patton on December 1, 2010 at 3:42pm
Hi honey,

Well, I survived Thanksgiving if you can call it that. Everyone was here just as you wanted. It was very hard knowing that we were going to have to sit down to dinner without you there. Don said a nice blessing and then Sandy toasted you and the entire table were in tears. I made an ornament with a photo of each person that you loved with you and gave it to them after dinner. We shared some stories. Uncle Wayne loved the picture of you and him making muscles when you were trying to talk him into going on Mt Everest in Disney. You are missed by so many people honey.

Kenny's father picked him up Saturday to stay with him in TN until we are ready to go back to FL for Christmas and then he'll be dropped back at our house to make the drive back with us. He misses you so much but he's doing ok. I talked to him this morning and he finally got his tooth fixed. He was so happy about that but of course you know that too don't you.

I miss you so much baby. I'm really trying but it's so hard. I met a nice woman who's name is Anita and her son Davey went to heaven the same day that you did. I really hope that you two are together and watching over us.

I love you and talk to your star almost every night. I hope you can hear what I'm saying and know that I'm always thinking of you. It's just so hard to believe that you're not here. My mind plays tricks on me sometimes and I pretend that your down in FL in school and that's why I haven't seen you. I'm not sure the reality of it has really hit me yet. I want you here with me so badly that sometimes it just hurts to breath or to catch my breath. I know that I'm babbling but you know that I do that well.

Love,
Momma

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