On Wed 19th December 2012 my brother phoned me about 8.30pm. We had recently had a falling out, over the way my brother had treated my dad, but had sorted things out over text so I thought he was calling to say sorry.
Instead he told me my dad was gone. He killed himself at the cemetery where his own dad, the grandfather I never met, was buried.
I love my dad so much. We were very close. He had depression over the years but I honestly never ever thought it would lead to this. Our family had previously been touched by suicide twice, earlier in 2012 my uncle gassed himself and a few years ago my 16 year old cousin hung himself. Dad saw the pain it caused. I honestly never thought it was something I needed to worry about with my dad.
The first couple weeks went so fast. I've always been the strong one in the family, the one who sorts things out, the peace keeper. I organised the funeral and everything else that goes along with it. I stayed with mum until after the funeral until we were able to move her in with me and my family. I'm 26, have a husband, toddler plus my neice and nephew whom we look after for my sister. I hate using the word sister. I despise her, her chidlren have never been a priority in her life, she is selfish, manipulative and nasty. She sunk to incredible new lows in the days before my dad died. I am not alone in feeling it was her words and actions that pushed him to the edge. Sure he had a choice, but the frame of mind he was in was because of her.
I tried sorting out the financial side of things, dad had no will, so its still ongoing but at least its something to do.
I dread the thought of when theres nothing left to sort out. Then its like its all over now and everything just goes back to normal and I'm expected to aswell. I'm back at work, they went light on me for about a week then was plunged straight back in to a high stress project, I can handle it, but at the same time my care factor for work right now is zero. I want to be at home with my son. I never imagined being a working mum, but due to financial needs I went back to work. Now more than ever I feel I need to be at home with him but stuck, we rely on my earnings.
I hate the fact that my dads life is reduced to photos and memories. My memories arent working properly, I'm trying so hard to see him and hear him and its not there. I don't feel him eitehr, I dont feel him around me like some people do when loved ones passed. I want to more than anything but I dont. Instead it feels like he's just missing, missing somewhere and he needs us to find him but we can't. I want him back so badly, and it feels stupid that I cant have him back, he should just be here. I can't believe he is gone.
I dont want everything to go on, I don't want to accept anything, I just want him back.