It doesn't get better, only different....

The old saying "It gets better with time"....is an understatement. It should say, "It doesn't get better with time, the heartache gets different.". And that's only because it get's tired of the constant pain. The constant guilt, the constant wondering what would they be doing today? I lost 2 children to suicide, and one from a drug overdose.......I think I am going crazy sometimes. Then I lost my husband, my soul companion to a car accident. I miss them all in different ways, but it all comes back to the same thing....I hate what has happened to me...to my family. It started in 1975 when my grandpa died my suicide....right after I told him I was pregnant with his great grandchild....I named my son after him...and had 4 more kids. Now, my oldest that I named after my grandpa also died by suicide. I still cried over my grandpa's suicide! but before my oldest did that, his little sister, my baby.....died by suicide. All 3, my grandpa, my son, and my daughter, hung themselves...... : (            And the strangest part is the fact that none of the kids knew about my grandpa, their great grandpa death...how it happened. It was a dark family secret, none of talked about it after the funeral. Hush....we don't talk about that. I told my son only that he was named after my grandpa because he had asked for a 9 lb baby boy and wanted the family cleveage in his chin....my son, had all 3.... 9 lbs. boy, cleveage in his chin..so he got his great grandpa's name also......only to lose him to sucide also 30 yrs. later. And I don't know why any of them chose to die that way....only guess's.......mere guess's. I feel like I am constantly crying over spilled milk. I can't change any of it. No one thing.....they left me that legacy.  Too many tears, too many regrets.........RIP my dear family.

 

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Comment by Sherilyn on May 17, 2011 at 10:33pm
Thank You Margarita.....
Comment by Sherilyn on May 17, 2011 at 10:17pm
@ Fred......you are a strong man Mr. Dunn. You have been through alot to. Now, everytime I see someone driving slow, instead of getting irritated and only wanting to go around them....I will remember your Rose. And be much more patient with them. My sister also had a stroke at the age of 38. She was on life support for 3 days, only to give up the ghost that held her here, worried to leave her 3 children. My husband and I adopted her youngest two. She died in 1999. My 3rd child died exactly two years later from your Rose. Cleve, died on May 31, 2009. I miss the fact I never got to see my Mike. The last time I saw him was when we all got back into the Ford Explorer to head to Colorado.  I didn't know, when we climbed back into the vehicle, that in 7 minutes he would be gone. I would never see him again. Not even in death. I looked for him after the accident, but could not see him. That perhaps was a blessing, at that particular moment in time. I was struggling for my own life, and worried about my 12 yr. old niece. I am glad you got to spend time with her. Those are moments in time that only you know...and will forever be etched there. It seems the hospital was in terrible neglect over your mom. That shouldn't have happened. If only you could turn back the clocks of time. Thanks for responding back. It meant alot. I never really even got to grieve over Mike. Right out from the hospital almost, I had to start taking care of my mom. She had just lost her husband, my dad, and she wasn't in very good health at all. She died just the other day, on April 29th. And now, I have realized I never really got to grieve over Mike. It is all hitting me now. So, it helps to be able to write it down. Thanks again.  Sherilyn   My mom was my Rock too.......
Comment by Fred Dunn on May 17, 2011 at 8:43pm

Sherilyn,

 I only have one son and I could not imagine losing him before me. My wife of almost 32 years passed in her sleep at age 49 on May 31st, 2007 and my Mother 6 months later. My Father died when I was 7 and was in a wheelchair (stroke at age 39) from when I was 2.

I have not gotten over my Rose passing into Gods hands and when she did pass I tried to bring her back but I was too late. After she got to the funeral home from the coroners office I asked if I could see her since it was still all so surreal to me. Even though she just had sheets over her they brushed her hair and brought her in and I stayed there for almost 2 hours just looking at her and talking to her and it was very odd coming home expecting her to be there. I had an extended viewing (private for 4 hours before and 2 after the public viewing) just so I could burn into my brain the final minutes I would see her physical being. I can't imagine your not being able to go to your husbands funeral, that has to be very hard and I feel very bad for you.

I don't know if most people just spend hours with their husbands and wives after they have passed but I couldn't have it any other way as I wanted to be with her as long as I could even after her soul had passed from this world.

I couldn't have said it better "It doesn't get better, only different..."

3.5 years later I had to retire on a neurological disability from problems I have had for many years but just dealt with them so I could work and be a caregiver to my wife. That was my life, working 40 hours a week and the rest of the time spent at home taking care of my wife. When she passed on I blamed myself since I was her caregiver and haven't gotten over that yet. The report said that her heart just stopped, but when I questioned him why he just told me that it could have been any number of reasons but they could not tell me definitively even after 6 weeks after the toxicology report came back.

My mother "My Rock" passed away 6 months after Rose not even knowing she would be meeting up with her. My mother had a fall that lead to intra-cranial bleeding but since she didn't go to the emergency room in an ambulance they just hurriedly triaged her and told my Mother and Stepfather to wait. After about 3 hours my mothers last real intelligible words were "Oh My God!" and then she went unconscious in the waiting room. They did a cat scan they should have done 3 hours earlier only to find all the blood in between her brain and skull. They sent her by Helicopter to Brooke Army Medical Center since they were not equipped! I expected the Drs there just to drain it, but they said the damage was already done so my mother spent a year in a very nice nursing home close to our home. When I was at work one day my wife even drove to see her (even though she was not supposed to drive) and my Rose had to put up with drivers flipping her off and yelling at her for driving so slow even though she had handicap plates. I was angry at the drivers but was very glad Rose got to see her one last time.

Our lives are like quilts made up by all of the people and experiences in our lives and we choose to hang it on the wall just to view all of the squares or we use it to wrap ourselves up in it.

I can't tell you which is better since very few days go without tears.

God Bless,

Fred Dunn 

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