I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I just found this site and have been reading some of your posts. My heart goes out to all of you. My husband was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors said he probably had about 18 months to live. That was almost 5 years ago. I feel so blessed that we had so much more time than predicted. He was so positive and carried on his life as if nothing was wrong. I think during those 5 years I was mentally preparing for the time when I would be alone. The last 6 weeks when he was bedridden I was able to care for him at home with the help of Hospice. It's so hard to see the one you love in pain and it was very difficult to see him slowly waste away the last few weeks. At that point I was praying for him to go because I couldn't stand to see him suffer. However since his passing I have been okay. I love him and miss him but I don't feel devastated and I feel GUILTY that I'm able to carrry on so well. I have been very busy and I'm sure that helps ........but still...... it kind of makes me wonder if I'm a "cold hearted person" because I'm not feeling "broken and lost" like many others do when their spouse passes away.