ive got so much going thru my head

im going back down hill again i have my good days and bad yesterday and today have been my really bad days were everything just runs thru my head it still feels like a nightmare i cant wake out of i dont understand any of this why why why is he gone why did he go the way he did i feel so alone so empty i miss him everyday thta goes by seems it just getd harder and harder to go on without him we were seperated when i was 4 yrs old i was put into a foster home my mom gave me up we were put into a foster home together but they abused me and my brother so he went back with mom and dad and i went to another foster home i was only allowed to see my father and brother once a month they didnt allow my mom to see me but no matter what my dad was always there for me i dont have memories that i can remember from when we  were little all i have is pictures of us together so much has happened over the years i lived with abuse from my husband for 14 yrs and had decided to leave him right before robert hung himself i tried to be in my brothers life as much i culd but something always stopped us his wife i have five boys that he was able to meet we did get  to see each other one accasions when he came to mom and dads to work on motorcycles or 4wheelers i got pregant when i was 16 and got married when i was 17 a soon as i culd i went to go find my dad,mom, over the years me and mom didnt get along i hated her for what she did dad tried to fight to keep me its just alot ive gone thru and alot robert had gone thru over the years i was able to see him off and on we had talked about going fishin together in the spring since his controlling wife had finally left he was glad she was gone i talked to him on the phone the friday before dec 13 we talked for 4 hrs he was cryin i was cryin i told him i loved him e regreted not bein in my life more i told him it wasnt his fault i knew he loved me he also was tellin me what his wife was putin him thru i hated her for what she has done to him she ddidnt deserve hom at all he had asked me that night how do you go bout datin again and i told him we laughed some i asked him if he wanted me to move in with him o help but he said he was okay i just dont understand what happend i know his wife had alot to do with his  death if not all from what he was tellin me she was doin and over the years on how she acted when we would try top come and see him and his boys she still wont let us see roberts boys

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