Dear Liz,

I'm not doing too well right now.  :(

Learning to live without you seems to be getting harder...not easier.  I'm tired of the pain so I've been pushing the grief away more than feel it.  I still read all my grief groups...but I haven't been posting much at all.  And all of a sudden I stopped reading the library books on the subject. 
 
I've been depressed...and practically in despair.  I don't want to go anywhere....and I can't seem to stop reading mysteries on my Kindle.   It seems my memory is more on the fritz than usual...including having a lot of trouble getting library books back to the library on time.  (sigh)
 
I want to connect with you.  I want to carry you with me.  I want to help other grieving people.  I want to help prevent suicide.  But right now the pain and the sadness just overwhelms me too much to do any of those things.

I miss you.  I know we didn't have a whole lot of contact in recent years...but...still...I knew you were there.  And now you're not.  The thing is...I still can't quite wrap my brain around that.   Although I think maybe the shock is beginning to wear off...and I'm starting to feel traumatized instead.

I remember that awful phone call.  I remember the Memorial Service.  I remember saying over and over again that you had died...lost to suicide.  I remember all the holidays that have already passed in only 5 months.
 
I don't know what to do now.  I feel stuck again.  I'm about to have a panic attack because I don't know what to do on my birthday on Saturday.  It's gonna suck big time that I won't receive a card from you.  I can't get the least bit excited about it.  The only good thing is that I've pretty much stopped freaking out about being in my 40's.  Knowing you'll forever be 38...I now clearly see the alternative to getting older.  Doesn't make me like it...and I'm still dreading turning 50.  But turning 46 in a few days no longer seems like nearly such a big deal. 

It's almost been 5 months since I lost you.  In some ways it feels like forever.  It took absolutely no time at all to feel like forever.  And it sucks that I was doing so much better at 2 months than I am at 5.  This needs to get easier...not harder.  If you can help with this at all...please do so.
 
much, much love,
your big sister,
Cricket

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