Dear Liz,
 
It's been 4 months today since you died. 
 
In some ways it feels like yesterday...in others it feels like forever.
 
Boy do I hope that you did not realize how much pain your death would cause your family.  If you did...you must have absolutely hated us!

There are no words that can possibly describe the amount and depth of the pain we feel at losing you.   And the fact that it was the same person who killed you...as the person we mourn...is very difficult to deal with.  That sounds so odd and awkward to say...but I don't know how else to say it.
 
And I hurt for other people almost as much as I hurt for myself.  Mom, Dad, Pam...Adam...Damian. 
 
There's now this hole in our family.  I feel it every time I see more than one member of our family.  It's horrible.  I HATE THAT. 
 
It's been 4 months...and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it.  I still can't quite believe it!  It's like this very bad dream that I just can't wake up from.
 
Why?   Why...why...why?????   I want to know why.  It haunts me that I don't know why.  I know that I probably never will know why.  And yet I can't stop asking!!!
 
...
 
Yesterday was Mom and Dad's 50th Anniversary!!!  I wish you had been there.  I wish you could have sent a card. 
 
Half of the day simply sucked.  I felt horrible physically...and just wanted the day over with. 
 
However...then Mom got out her wedding albums...and I looked at those.  And shortly after that we all went out to Ruby Tuedays.  It was the first time I had ever been there.  The food was great...and it was a fun time with things like the Sangria that Pam and Paul shared with Mom and Dad...and the gift Dad gave Mom (a 50 year Precious Moments)...and their dessert which was like a piece of wedding cake.  Pam took some awesome pictures. 

Family get-togethers and holidays are hard for me now.  There's just this huge hole there now...that hurts so very badly.  And I haven't yet figured out a good way to deal with that.  :(
 
Easter was okay...and Mother's Day was awesome.  But for some reason Memorial Day was awful.  And I'm sure not looking forward to Father's Day.  :(
 
I'm so happy it's summer now.  It's been so hard to focus on getting the kids off to school since you've been gone.
 
I miss you.  I miss you more and more not less. 

I sure do hope this journey gets easier...because right now it's downright difficult.  :(
 
much love,
your big sister,
Cricket
 

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