OK I am going to make this as simple as it can be for now I have lost a child and still do not know how to deal with it.  I have been through counseling I have been on the medicines to be exact i have been on 5 different types of them.  This is the story, I was just graduating school and was planning a wedding to the man who i was with 3 years prior.  We  found out we were expecting and honestly i was so excited and  scared at the same time.  We did all that we were suppose to of picking out a doctor and getting all of the baby books and reading.  The day that changed my life was around July the 18th I went and checked the mail and I got a letter from the doctors office I thought it was a simple little letter because we had done a ultrasound of the baby about a week before hand and the doctor has said everything was fine.  I opened the letter and my life changed, it was a letter from the lab saying that we needed to be seen at the states biggest hospital we have for further review of the baby that there was a chance for genetic abnormalities.  I cried all day waiting to get up enough courage to call the doctors office and ask them what the deal was. I called looking for answers they told me there was a chance the baby had down syndrome and a heart defect.  At this point i was ready to see the specialist and find out what was going on.  In the specialist office they were so kind and offered so much materials on genetic abnormalities.  We were given numerous ultrasounds and test and were told that nothing was wrong with the baby he was perfect nothing was abnormal on any scans and then the doctor looked at me and asked how i had felt thru the pregnancy i said i was sick most of the time but nothing extreme he said the at my cervix was already thinking and tunneling.  At this point i was scared i was 21 weeks exact when i was in that office hearing that news he told me i was to get on bedrest and not get up and to make sure i saw the doctor in the next two days.  I called my doctor when leaving the big hospital to make the appointment for the next two days. The office told me the soonest they could get me in was two weeks out i was scared to death something was going to happen in that two weeks.  I went to my appointment knowing things had changed in my heart. The doctor did a ultrasound to see how things were going and he got real quiet.  Looking at the screen and not even at me he asked if i had been crampy and not comfortable i replied with yes i had been.  He looked at me and turned off the monitor he replied with you are already dialated to a 2 and  are contracting at this point i was crying.  He told me to go home and wait it out that maybe things would stop and if they didnt there would be no chance of survival if i delivered i was young and didnt know what to do i went back home and got back in bed 5 hours later i was in full blown labor at 23 weeks we rushed to the hospital where the nurses were in shock over the contractions and no doctor was there to order any kind of medications i was put in a room and the doctors told the nurses not to check me to do nothing but let me contract.  I dilated so much that when my water broke it sounded like a balloon popping before anyone could do anything with the next contraction after that my little man was born into the world not moving not crying he was already gone and  nothing anyone could do about it there was one nurse and family in the room with us i did not have a doctor there that could have helped with the delivery not that it would have helped either way but we spent the next hours taking pictures of our little guy and family calling the pastor and getting him blessed and making arrangments for the funeral home to pick up his body the rest of the next few weeks were a blur but planning a funeral for a child was never in my list of things to do with him and seeing his little box with him in it broke my heart i do not know how to deal with this to move on with my life i have 3 other children now that are my world but i cry everyday in some way for my son i think about him everyday about what he would be like how things could be differend i struggle with this everyday

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