I find myself having a difficult time lately,espically after my 29th birthday... I lost my mom back in 95 me and my brother found blood on her bed and a letter in the kitchen stating she couldn't live in a world where no one respected her... We found her a short time later after our neighbors said they smelled a strong gas smell comming from the garage.They called the police for us and my brother made the hardest call at the time to my father who was at work..All my brother got out was mom and started balling my dad hurried up off the phone and said im comming...He got there before the cops/ambulance and rushed into the garage... My mom was sitting in the passenger side of the mini van passed out/away... she had cut her wrists and then died of the fumes she blocked comming from the back of the van... I thought that was the hardest thing to deal with...well it was for me at the time..never really got over it..even went the the funeral/viewing in the same van she passed away in...it had a funny smell to it...Just recently in June 2011 I lost my father to prostate cancer that spread throughout his body...He never told me how serious it was,always said it was at the beginning stages and he would be okay. He fought hard for almost 4 years,at stage 3/4..He went to chemo every time he was suppose to..Did a huge surgery in hopes to slow it down.. Until in March 2011 he was walking in front of his house to go move his car and got hit by a car who I suppose was in a rush because my father had the go ahead to cross the street, he was a 6ft 2in man,if not taller...there was no way this old bat couldn't have seen him if she was paying attention... he flew pretty far and he only remembers being put into the ambulance and them cutting his clothes off...he suffered from 6 broken ribs, a fracture skull with a bruise to his brain,a broken wrist....and just lots of pain..he spent 5 days in the ICU and he was refused to get chemo and longer due to the dangers of it with the bruise on his brain...He went without chemo for three months and that progressed his death... He was throwing up blood and wasn't really eating father's day of this year so the next morning we called an ambulance to take him to the hospital...At that time the Dr told me and him that he could pass away any day or live up to 3 more months.. They asked him if he wanted hospice care at home so he didn't have to be in the hospital,his response was I would love it if you could get me back into my home..they arranged for him to go the next day...As im waiting at the house I got a call saying he took a turn for the worse and I should get up to the hospital as soon as I could..I made it there within 10mins.. He wasn't even in a talking state and making weird scary noises..they told me they call that the death rattle..something some people do before dying and it seemed like he was having a hard time breathing..I felt so bad for him..This went on for 7 long hrs and about 2hrs before he passed I cried my eyes out and told him that we would be okay dad it's okay to pass away and be at peace now..( the hardest things I had to ever say) My older brother was in california trying to get home and my younger brother had a phobia of leaving the house...so I was the only one of his kids to be there but I wouldn't have been any where else... I watched him take his last breath....Now im still dealing with his estate cause he never made a living will... I go to court in a month for his personal claim case.. I just wish this was all over... it's a constant reminder of his death..his birthday is comming up...9 days before the court hearing...my mom bday is 11 days after the court hearing..jan 20th and jan 22nd... Wish me luck, in hoping this will be all over soon so I can finally heal...at least try to...Thanks for reading..