I felt compelled to come here today, not realizing that I had been here as recently as a few weeks ago. I feel much the same way today as I did then. I miss him and my heart aches. I hate not having him here to cheer me on, provide advice, feel the warmth of his touch & smile, .... My house has gone from being full with 6 full time occupants to 2 and it's rough. My stepson has called me on all important days like his father's birthday, Easter, & Mother's Day, which felt so good! He says he still wants come live with me and attend his father's high school alma mater & what he really wants is to play football there wearing his father's old jersey number! I wish I could make it happen for him.
I do have good news: The NPO organization I founded as a memorial to Larry as been referred two students in need of our services. I am hopful that we will find the resources to help these students, both who recently lost their mother's to cancer. One will be attending Gordon, a smaller nearby college, and the other will be attending Morehouse in Atlanta! I wish I could make people understand how great the need is for our help, and how deserving these students are of receiving our help.
So, it's been over a year and a half. I miss my man. I love him the same as if he were away in the military or gone somewhere else for an extended time. It is very difficult to imagine I will never lay eyes on him as long as I live. Here come the tears. Yes, they still come off & on most days. Who would have guessed it would feel like this? I am still amazed by people who appear so normal as they go about their days after losing a loved one. I wonder if I look normal too? I don't feel normal. I still feel like an imposter- someone pretending to be something they are not. I am pretending to be normal, but know I will never be who I used to be a year and a half ago.
UPDATE: May 24, 2012 I had a surprise visit from my daughter & stepson! It was wonderful but of course ended too son. <3