This is my first blog… a little nervous with pouring some of my feelings into words since I have never done this before. I am 31 years old, mom of 2 kiddos… I battle with anxiety and have for years even before my mom passed away. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer November of 2008… had surgery on Christmas Eve of that year. Went through chemo and a trial drug, then went into remission 15 months after. March 18th 2010, my dad broke his leg playing hockey and was in hospital until Monday the 22nd. My mom while still recovering after dealing with rounds of chemo (even though she was in remission) was running around crazy back and forth trying to get everything all set for my dad. He came home around 1 pm that Monday… my aunt helped him home and helped my mom out. I was working and got home at 5:30 that evening. Chatted with my mom in kitchen, laughed at my dad and just was an ear for her telling me that she wasn’t feeling all that great with major heart burn and chest pains. She mentioned she was going to get it checked out that Thursday at her check up in Dana Farber. All of the sudden around 7 pm she was struggling helping my dad into bed, i was on computer IMing with my boyfriend at the time and my brother was playing video games. I don’t want to give details but my mom collapsed in hallway trying to get to me. Long story short i could not revive her. She died that night in my arms. I deal with so much PTSD and trauma nightmares even to this day. I feel even though all the doctors and people i know have told me over and over there wasn’t anything i could have done. But I can’t still shake the feeling I should’ve tried harder.
Anyway… the past few months or so I’ve been having major nightmares and lack of sleep. Panic attacks and just mood swings. It’s horrendous and i feel so bad for my kids and husband because I’m not myself. I’m not happy. I’m scared.
Thanks for letting me vent on here for the first time. Just a mom here missing her own mom who has never even met her husband or kids. Life’s empty I can’t seem to shake that. Of course my kids are my world and that’ll never change.