I'm sitting here on my couch feeling so alone. It has been raining all day. My man Joe has been weighing very heavy on my mind today. Tazz was his nickname. He had a custom Harley called Tazz with a pic of the character on his bike. He also had a Road King that we used to love to take out for a ride. I'm grateful that we had a chance to go for a ride one week before he died. We took the Harley to his sons wedding reception. It was a little cold. I wrapped myself tight around him. He was a very big guy so he blocked most of the wind. I was out shopping today and happened to see a great pair of boots for riding. I really don't know if I could ever get on a bike again. My heart breaks all over again when I run across my leathers. We had so much fun finding me a jacket and chaps. He really liked them on me. So many memories. I just want to cry. I wanted more memories with him. He was a train engineer and I can hear the train horn from my house. He knew I loved the sound of the train horn so he would on occasion make sure I heard his horn. Now I can hardly stand the sight or sound of a train. My heart starts to beat right out of my chest. I come from a family of railroaders! It's hard to see a couple on a motorcycle. I want to burst into tears. He loved to cook. We shopped together all the time. I struggle when I'm at the store. Especially the store I was walking out of the last time I talked to him on my cell phone. He had just got to his room where he stayed when he got off the train. We talked while I shopped. We told each other I love you. We always told each other that before we hung up. I would never imagine that would be the last time I would ever talk to him. It breaks my heart. That evening I texted him assuming of course he was sleeping. I dont remember all that I said but I do remember saying I know your sleeping I just wanted to share some thoughts. One of them was looking forward to creating our history together. I told him I hope you sleep well and call when you wake up. I never got that call. He always called me first thing. Not in my wildest dreams would I have thought he was gone. I don't know if he ever read my text. I don't think he did because he would always respond. I waited to hear from him. Quite confused as to why I hadn't heard from him. I'm home washing bedding, baking pumkin bread, watching football and waiting. By this time I just planned on seeing him when he got home. My cell phone finally rings. It's a number I didn't recognize so I assumed something was wrong with his phone thats why I hadn't heard from him. The person on the other end was a coworker of Joe's. He told me to sit down. He then told me Joe was gone. My world my life my future was shattered. My living nightmare had begun. A chaplin knocked on the door and I handed him the phone. I was out of my mind with grief and unbearable pain. It's like it just happened yesterday. I will never be the same woman I was before. I still think he's coming home. I've had no closer. Thats a whole other story. A nightmare actually. I was so looking forward to sitting by the fire watching movies, eating all the yummy stuff that Joe would make, drink a bottle of one of our favorite wines. Take a drive to our favorite watering hole down the street for a cocktail and talk with the other regulars. Joe enjoyed Jagermeister. I can not go into that bar. I don't know if I ever will again. I only went there with my Tazz. I was looking forward to winter and the holidays with that man. He would get emotional watching movies that involved couples together. He would sit and look at me and get tears in his eyes because he loved me so much. I was so lucky. A true intense love I will never experience again. I hear that train horn again.

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