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Hey, Greg. Thanks for posting. I am glad you did.
I have been feeling kind of crazy lately because I think I am stuck in the anger/denial/anger/denial merry-go-round. I don't want to accept my husband's death and then when I am confronted by it I get angry. We would have celebrated our 23rd anniversary next month... I don't want to even look at that day on the calendar. It feels so very unfair.
My husband was in perfect health. He died from a Pulmonary Embolism. Just like that. Gone. I was looking him right in the eye and didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I just kept shaking my head and say, "No, no, no, this can't be happening." I think I even told the doctor that he was wrong when he told me Ben was gone.
I know what you mean when you talk about the way you are treating other people. I don't mean to treat them badly, but just because thier lives are moving along with barely a bump in the road doesn't mean mine has. I feel like I am on a continuous loop of grief.
Life is always worth living, or we wouldn't be struggling so hard to find a way to do it. People keep asking me what do I think he would be doing now if it had been me instead of him that passed. I can't tell them. I get stuck on the thought of, wow, that would have been so much easier for me. But, I wouldn't want him to feel this way and he would have. He truly loved me. We were the 'lucky ones'. Not everyone gets to spend 20 + years with the love of their life. But, I am greedy. I wanted more. We were just getting to the 'just us' time again. Our youngest had turned 19 and was going to start school again soon.
We were planning so many things with our future. Now I am stuck in this limbo. I don't want to move forward without him, but I can't stay here, like this.
Why do you get irritated with yourself? I keep thinking I will get better soon, but I don't think it works that way. I will never be that person again. That is who I was with him. I am something different now and I need to find a way to like who I am now, or at least get along.
I hope you are feeling better today.
God bless,
Melissa
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