Missing my wife so much. Next month it will be two years since she passed away at the age of 40. She had never been to the doctor and was not sick. She had taken my mom shopping and while walking through Meijer she just collapsed and died of a heart attack. I was at work when I got the phone call, I was told she had a seizure and I needed to get to the hospital now. I had a 45 minute drive to get there and my mom didn't want me to know what had happened because I had to drive. On the way there I was thinking the worst case was they would run some tests and keep her over night and I would have to drive back the next day to pick her up. When I got there I had to wait for the nurse, when he finally came the first words was that he was very sorry for my loss and that they did everything they could. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and was in total shock. I felt as if two lives had been lost right then. When I went into the room and saw her laying there, I lost it. I never had a chance to say goodbye, or to say how much I loved her and I never would be able to again. I was at a loss for words and felt so empty. I just stood there, held her hand and cried. My world had just been turned upside down. We had been married three months shy of 12 years, but we lived together for 22 years. I had just lost my one and only. I was in denial for a long time, kept telling myself she was just gone somewhere and would be back home. She never did come home. I try staying busy to keep my mind occupied but that day keeps going through my head and it's like reliving that day over and over. I thought things were starting to get better, but I think I just got really good at keeping my feelings and emotions bottled up so that everyone thought I was fine. About six months ago I couldn't do it anymore, I still tried to be strong around people, but when nobody was around all I could do was cry, my emotions got the best of me and all I could think was I didn't care what happened to me. I have a real hard time dealing with anything, I get irritated and angry with myself and it is starting to affect the way I treat other people, when I really don't mean to treat them badly, I just can't help it. I feel really lost and alone and am looking for any advice or help I can get to help me through this. Feeling like life isn't worth living anymore.

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Comment by Melissa King on March 16, 2014 at 9:20am

Hey, Greg. Thanks for posting. I am glad you did.
I have been feeling kind of crazy lately because I think I am stuck in the anger/denial/anger/denial merry-go-round. I don't want to accept my husband's death and then when I am confronted by it I get angry. We would have celebrated our 23rd anniversary next month... I don't want to even look at that day on the calendar. It feels so very unfair.

My husband was in perfect health. He died from a Pulmonary Embolism. Just like that. Gone. I was looking him right in the eye and didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I just kept shaking my head and say, "No, no, no, this can't be happening." I think I even told the doctor that he was wrong when he told me Ben was gone.

I know what you mean when you talk about the way you are treating other people. I don't mean to treat them badly, but just because thier lives are moving along with barely a bump in the road doesn't mean mine has. I feel like I am on a continuous loop of grief.

Life is always worth living, or we wouldn't be struggling so hard to find a way to do it. People keep asking me what do I think he would be doing now if it had been me instead of him that passed. I can't tell them. I get stuck on the thought of, wow, that would have been so much easier for me. But, I wouldn't want him to feel this way and he would have. He truly loved me. We were the 'lucky ones'.  Not everyone gets to spend 20 + years with the love of their life. But, I am greedy. I wanted more. We were just getting to the 'just us' time again. Our youngest had turned 19 and was going to start school again soon.

We were planning so many things with our future. Now I am stuck in this limbo. I don't want to move forward without him, but I can't stay here, like this.

Why do you get irritated with yourself? I keep thinking I will get better soon, but I don't think it works that way. I will never be that person again. That is who I was with him. I am something different now and I need to find a way to like who I am now, or at least get along.

I hope you are feeling better today.

God bless,

Melissa

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