This was the first Mothers Day without my precious mom.  The day was just okay.  We went to dinner then visited her grave.  That was harder then it has been in the past.  All during the day I was really struggling on the inside but trying to hold it together for my daughter.  We went to Walmart that night and by that point it started hitting me hard.  I use to get some items for her and once I saw those I completely broke down.  Once we got home it just got worse.  This may sound weird but, we took pictures of her in her casket and the funeral.  Even though it was sad,, I quess I want to hang on to every memory possible.

Anyway...that night  already breaking down bad.  I came across our camera and came across all the pictures of her in casket.  I completly lost it at that point.  It was as if it was just registering with me that she really was gone.  I begged God for this not to be for the longest time.  I bottomed out really bad, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I quess maybe it was a panic attack.  Never had one so I don't know what its really like.  Then I kept looking at pictures before she died of her and our daughter.  That just broke my heart.  Just unbearble pain.  I took care of my Mom every night and my daughter would help every single night.  She is so mature for her age.  She had such an amazing bond with my mom, like I did.  Now, my daughter doesn't really have anyone else in her life that she can turn to.  She always would turn to my mom, I quess just like I did.  So, in a way I quess we both feel completely lost without her.  I hope in time our daughter can turn to me or find a special older lady to turn to.  None of this makes any sense.  I just can't understand why God would take her knowing how much I needed her along with my daughter.  She was the only living grandmother she had.  Her only living grandfather is just not like her grandmother at all.  So, that makes it even more difficult.  I try not to be mad at God, but its just so hard.  She was such a important part in our lives.  Trying to figure how to go on is almost impossible for me.  Right now, I try to do my best to pray, breathe and just make it through each day.  As we try to press on, I know God will give us the strength.  I just need alot of it now. 

Thank you God for blessing me with a Jewel of a Mother

Happy Mothers Day to my precious mother.

Love you and miss you more each day

Ashlyn