My Beautiful 20 Yr Old Daughter Is Gone . . . . .

On Labor Day, September 1, 2014, my beautiful 20 year old daughter, Madeline was killed in a car accident.  It occured about 5 miles from our home, a cloudburst erupted; a freak rainstorm.  She hit a truck head on and her car burst into flames, she was identified through dental records.  It was 11 years to the day, my father, her grandfather passed away.


Madeline was every parent's dream; never gave us a problem to speak of.  She was on her way to her 3rd job; a job she loved and was so happy at.  She was on the Dean's List at college and was well loved in our small village.  Everyone knew her, as her father is the mayor of our village.  She loved by everyone young and old, had a ton of friends.  She was active in our church community where she was an Altar Server from 3rd to 12th grade.  We set up a fund at her high school, where people donated money to send a child on the annual trip overseas; alot of money was raised.  She was an honor student there, vice president of the National Honor Society and editor of the yearbook.  For her funeral, they set up shuttle buses from her elementary school to the church because of the crowds.  The local news media did a story on her about how wonderful she was and the local newspaper ran a story also.  They described it as a tragedy; that is an understatement as far as we are concerned. 


Her father, sister and I are devastated; we do not know where to turn.  Our village in the begining rallied around us, now we get stared at or avoided.  I am lost; her and I were very close, we did everything together - shop, garage sales, lunches with her friends, sending texts all day, college visits - she was accepted at Cornell, slated to begin in January 2015.  I feel off kilter and like an appendage is missing.  I work from home, so I cried non stop and the tears out of no where stopped this week, but the longing is deep.  A few days after her accident I had a panic attack and did not know what it was.  Her bedroom door is stil opened and I go in there occassionally and talk to her.  It is as messy as the day she left to go to work.  Her father is stoic and brave, he went back to work 2 weeks after, he works 2 jobs.  He manages to get through the days and comes home and cries, he has difficulty getting to sleep; when he closes his eyes he sees her as the sweet toddler she was.  Her loving sister, age 26 is in denial and sad, feels responsible for our pain and we tell her constantly to stop. I have two wonderful sisters who I email constantly and pour out my feelings to, I exercise daily, eat right, take care of myself, journal my feelings, read books on grieving mothers, keep myself busy, we plan to go to Compassionate Friends this month. 


I am so sad and it comes in waves, I find it difficult to look at photos of her without crying.  I am not mad at God, but wonder everyday, why my baby; a good, sweet girl who never hurt a soul, who cared for everyone and had such a bright future.  I feel so alone without her.  Thank you for this group and for letting me express my heartbreak.

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