I an so relieved to have found this blog as only those that have lost a spouse or child can feel the pain and loneliness that we have been feeling and it is different than losing one's parents. Ernie and I have known each other 45 years and married 39 years this August. Unfortunately we were not blessed with children and I've been feeling so alone. I am blessed with family and many good friends, but until one has experienced this type of death they cannot begin to imagine what it feels like. Even with family and friends around I feel alone; like a third or fifth wheel; I can cry without warning; feeling I am walking on 8" of foam rubber and have to try very hard to keep busy. Some days I just sit staring into space; crying and then I suddenly remember I promised Ernie that it was 'OK to go' and I would be fine because it hurt to see him in such pain, so with every fiber of my being I make myself get up and get moving, but nothing seems to take the pain away. I have come to detest weekends which I feel are the loneliness because all of my friends have spouses. Week days I can fake it basically thinking Ernie is at work and will be coming home even though I am well aware that is not the reality of it all. A wise male person who had lost his wife at the age of 36 told me that when you lose your spouse you are on 'auto pilot' going through life one step at a time and after the Memorial is over family and friends get on with their own lives without meaning too they expect you to keep up, but that each person grieves at their own pace and to take my time. I am not making any rash decisions and planning on staying in our little rancher home with the lovely gardens that my husband loved so much.