I read last night that you have to learn to say Goodbye. It sadden me deeply, caused insane panic. I don't want to say goodbye. She was my life. I see her everywhere, I keep waiting to feel her spirit. I want to hold her in my arms. I think of the loss, no grandchildren. Evertything we did, it was done with the belief that she would be here, after we were gone.
On mother's day she was feeling not well. She was trying to make my breakfast; she made the best pancakes and her own brand of syrup with fresh fruits. She said to me that she would celebrate mother's day the following week. I told her everyday was mother's day. She, talked me through the breakfast she wanted to prepare. She had bought me this beautiful red dress, she never wrapped it.
I don't know why I didn't realize how ill she was. A simple UTI infection, that should have been cured with a simple antibiotic. Five days later she was dead. Sepsis and Septic Shock Symptons. Over a million people died all over the world, each year. 200,000 in the United States.. Mostly, while confined to a hospital, most in ICU. It happened so quickly. The things we don't know.
I am devoting my life to investigating the secrecy for such a terrible travesty of medical trust.
It is hard not being able to think rationally through grief. My energy level varies, my interest in the things I loved, are gone.
I fpray to find my strenght and understanding of life and death. I thank God for my blessing, a wonderful husband. I understand how emotional draining it is on our friends and family. We appreciate their suppport. We were lost and they strengthen us.
Life goes on for them. I am looking and praying for a way out of the saddness and pain; It has been 5 months.. I still hope that I will wake from a nightmare. I pray for other families that are going through this. Before our loss, we sent a card, flowers, and thought we had shown our support.
Never again, I know the pain and it makes a different in the prayers for us and them.
How do you live through this. We know that this time will come for each of us. Why is grief so devestating, what are we missing in God's words that we don't celebrate our love one moving from this earth to another level?
I don't want to grieve. I want to celebrate the wonderful thirty years we were blessed with. I want to celebrate her love for us and her love for life..
I don't want to take the pill, but I can't get through the pain, it overwhelms me. Even though I feel stronger today, than the day before. When the pain returns it returns.
I'm trying so hard to understand.
I pray for Natalie's mother and family. I pray that there may be hope for a different outcome. I know that she does. I pray for peace for her family. I believe in miracles.