Having never done anything like this before (in so many areas of my life now ) I don't quite know how to go about connecting with others who feel the unstopping pain that I do right now and have for the past eleven months.

My grandson, Christopher, was 11 yrs. old when he drowned this past June 3, 2011.  He was on summer vacation from school for three hours when this happened.  There was a pool party to celebrate the end of school that morning and he went.  Chris knew how to swim, so there are / have been a LOT of questions as to what exactly happened.  From the coroners report, he was healthy (no heart attack, seizure, etc.)   Having him gone is a double sorrow to me... he is my oldest grandchild and my daughters only child (she also lost a baby 2 months before losing Chris ).   At first, the anger came and went, but I don't know if its because his one year anniversary date is coming up that I feel so very angry . Having Chris around was really why I got up in the morning... he was very close to me because I helped raise him since he was two years old(his mom and stepdad were married one year when this happened)...so I was there when his mom was working. I have lost many people in the family and friends (a brother to suicide), but this is by far the very hardest happening in my life.  And I don't know that I'll ever get on with a "normal" life.  I've read many books on grieving, they help some to understand that life must go on, but my heart and feelings and tears tell my otherwise.  I am old,  I lived,  Chris didn't.  And yes I do believe in God and His goodness in life, but I wish if He needed someone in our family, He would have thought about me instead of Chris.

Please grandmas and grandpaps... how do we go on without what I used to tease him about ... he was my "claim to fame" (my first grandchild)

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