I lost my sister on 5/15/15. She was one of the brightest lights in my life. I was the closest to her of all of our family members. We laughed like crazy when we were together and I always wanted to be like her. Everyone she met fell in love with her. She was 3 years older than me and she died at 57. She had type 1 diabetes since she was 21 and her overall health was suddenly declining as though she was giving up on life. She had started drinking and smoking more I guess as a way to cope with her health and her failing marriage. The hardest part for me was the way she turned into herself for the last few years. We didn't see each other much those years and i made an attempt to email and call a few times but she either didn't respond or made the calls really short. She'd become someone else. She wasn't even calling her son, who she adored. I guess I just gave up and hoped she'd hit some kind of bottom and then come back to us. I guess that was naive. We got the call on 5/10/15 that they found her in a coma probably due to keto acidosis and they thought she'd had a heart attack as well. They kept her in a seduced coma. We went to the Key West where she had gone to live by herself after she left her husband. We stayed with her for a few days. The doctors thought she had a good chance to recover but they were having trouble getting her kidneys going again. We needed to make a trip back home to get more clothing, make arrangements for our animals so my other sister and I went back to Orlando where we both live. We would head back that weekend. Her husband was there with her. She took a turn for the worse before we could come back. She had another heart attack and was brain dead. We went right back. They had kept her on life support until we got back. It was awful seeing her like that. Her eyes just stared at us and as the stopped the machine her eyes turned to the side and she appeared to be looking straight at me. I can never forget her face like that, I screamed and cried for hours. I totally lost it. When we got home I drank for days, I broke things, I screamed and cried. My poor husband was at a loss. He loved her too but of course he can't understand why I'm still not "over it". I will never be over it. The guilt for not being there for her whether she wanted me to be or not. The guilt of not having stayed with her every minute she was in the hospital. The guilt of not wanting to go to family get togethers because she won't be there. The guilt of feeling strong and healthy when she was not. I was always the quiet introverted one and she was the one who made me get out there and live. But with her gone, I no longer have that reason to do so. I'm finding I stay home more and more. I have no desire at all to go out. I've tried therapy but it was a bit of a joke. The therapist was 1/2 my age and just nodded a lot. Just don't want to get out of bed some mornings. I know you all have been through similar losses. Any advice? If it weren't for my husband and sons I'm not sure I would keep going. My sister is the one on the left in my profile pic. She was so beautiful.

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