Roughly one month ago, my older sister committed suicide. She was my best friend and confidant in our adult lives, and lovingly maternal caretaker when we were young. Young (30s), brilliant and beautiful, she had so much life yet to live. We were both emotionally and physically abused by our parents; one is a mentally ill addict and the other, a physically disabled enabler. It was through sharing this traumatic childhood that our bond was indestructible. Few people can relate to such a horrific upbringing, for us -- pivotal shared experiences. I miss her terribly and would give anything for one more conversation with her.
As if this incredible loss weren't enough, the remaining parts of life are crumbling all around me. My husband shows no respect for my grief and zero empathy. He listened to me for the first two weeks, but I suppose he grew tired of that. I have learned to hold it all in, rather than be faced with watching him ignore me or turn the tv volume up to drown me out. I suppose he expects that I should be over my grief by now. A friend recently asked if my husband had been supportive. Not knowing how to answer, I requested she be more specific. She asked if he has been holding and comforting me. My reply, "no, not once." Realizing that this is what a spouse should be doing broke whatever bit of heart I had left. We haven't said more than five sentences to each other over the last week, covering only the necessary communication. I would much prefer to be single, than to deal with the cruelty of my spouse during this time of need.
Furthermore, it was through meeting with a therapist after this tragedy that I came to understand I have been the victim of psychological warfare in my workplace for over a year (I have worked for this organization for five years, my horrible manager came into the picture one year ago.) In fact, since I informed my manager of my sister's death and took a few bereavement days, things have gone from horrible to much worse. My manager seems to have enlisted the help of a colleague to break me down further, in what is referred to as "mobbing". I could go to HR, but risk retaliation. I can seek new employment, but who is really capable of effectively pursuing other options while dealing with grief? I can not leave without a means of earning income lined up, it's not fiscally possible.
I have been seeing a therapist, and its been beneficial. But, I tend to think this is all too much for someone to bear. I am filled with either emptiness, or pain. There is no relief, only more discomfort. People that were aware of my traumatic past used to marvel at how I've become a successful and rather balanced adult. Now I see that I am neither, just a heap of damage... it feels like I let life get the best of me.
The husband has been gone for two days. He vanished, with no warning and has not tried to contact me. Honestly, I couldn't care less. Anyone who would treat someone they claim to love in this manner deserves the worst that karma can dish out. I suppose this is what indifference feels like.
The sadness and guilt I feel over my sister's passing is overwhelming. The first two weeks are an awful blur. Then, I was able to function in a somewhat-normal state. However, this past week is reminiscent of the first. I realize that grief has no time-frame and guilt is part of the process, but I doubt I'll ever let my guilt go. I accept that.
Sometimes, I forget to breathe.
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