I'm 31married in March.  He's 34.  He died July 8th flipping his car on the freeway.   6th of July found out I was 11 wks pregnant.  I have two other children 6 and 8 from previous relationship. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to raise our child knowing their father.  Everything we had was in the vehicle and destroyed pretty much.  I have a few items of clothing.  Since the accident I've created a facebook page  to collect pictures etc.  I didn't know any of his friends or family before the incident.  Didn't even have a way to tell anyone as his phone was never found.  I don't have any in my life to really talk to or relate etc.  My biggest fears are time erasing things from my memory.  We were together for just a year. That's not much time and I have so many years to go to not remember things as crisp or as clear.  I can't even remember his voice for sure.  I had no phone etc so I have no saved voicemails and such. Our baby won't be able to have some sort of comprehension of anything for years. I'm scared of what will have been misplaced in my scattered files that are my recollection....

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Comment by Whitney Rollins on October 28, 2016 at 1:15am

Thank you very much.  I've been without a computer so just saw your response.  I appreciate your advice and sharing your experience with me.

Comment by Faviola Martinez on October 8, 2016 at 12:53pm

He will only be 2 next month. What do we say? Well, sometimes he'll just pipe up with "Mama?" and I will either distract him with something, or sometimes if I'm brave I'll say "Gone, gone." Only recently did we start having pictures of her out in the house because it's too painful for me to see her. But when Henry sees her pictures he will either grab onto it to stare at it or else he just says, "Mama" He doesn't usually get upset, I think because he's so small. We just try to surround him with love and act like life is normal, we care for him full time so we have to be real parents, cuddling, training etc. We don't get to be typical grandparents anymore, part of the great sorrow of losing her. I have heard that it's a good idea to take older children to grief counseling sessions where they get to interact with professionals and other children who have lost someone special. There's lots of free services available, check your city for information. One place I've heard about is a national organization called Gerard's House, maybe there's one where you're at. 

Comment by Whitney Rollins on October 8, 2016 at 3:48am

How old is your grandson now? That's awesome that you help.  My mom has always been very giving with her time and watches my two girls when I work. We're living with her now.  My dad works out of state to afford taking care of all of us.  I always feel like there's no real way to show how much i appreciate all they do.  I'm curious of his age because I was going to follow up that question with another... what do you do and say? How do you convey who she was and the spark she had?  I've been purchasing keepsake stuff like a blanket for the baby that has 30 photos of my husband on it.  My older daughter has a deck of playing cards with his picture because they'd play cards at night. I have poster sized pics that were signed by his friends and family at his funeral.  It almost seems ot make my two daughters more sad. I don't want to make them feel bad, but I do want to provide constant reminders so he doesn't fade away.  I don't force anything on them, but I think as a child it's easy to not think about things unless they're in front of you.  I don't know if I'm doing more harm than good.  I try to keep most of it in my living space at the moment except things they've asked for.  My older daughter has a feelings journal she writes in because she wont really talk about it.  My younger one just cries and doesn't say much when she's upset about it. I want to celebrate who he is to our child, in a way that isn't depressing.  I guess I am just wondering what you do.  Whether it be in conversation at dinner or what? I know every situation is different and there's no book for how to raise children.... I just think hearing from others will help me find what may work for us

Comment by Faviola Martinez on October 7, 2016 at 6:40pm

Your story struck my heart due to the fact that a child will be born who won't know his daddy. MY daughter age 36, was killed in a motorcycle incident in April. Her child, my only grandson, was only 17 months old at the time. He too, will not remember his mother as your child won't know his father. Our lives are upside down, we now find ourselves helping to raise our little guy, and we're 60! Daddy is a fabulous man and father, but he works 7 days, 12 hour shifts so doesn't see baby for a week at a time. I don't know how to comfort your fears about losing the connection you had with your man, but  I do know that you will and must, always speak of him with honor and love when your baby can begin to understand about Daddys. My heart is with you.

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