Nine days ago I lost my other half.  The 29th of this month will be our 3year anniversary, although we had been friends over half of my life.  I've never had to deal with losing someone this close to me and I never knew a person's heart could hurt so much.  It feels like my world was turned upside down and I don't know when it will ever turn right side up again.  My chest is tight, my stomach is in knots, my head is hurting.  I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions; torn between sadness, loneliness, and guilt.  Guilt that I didn't wake up soon enough; guilt that I didn't wake him up soon enough.  It was a shock to us all; he was 43years old and other than a work injury and cold, things were fine.  We had a great weekend together, until that Sunday morning, he just didn't wake up.  I begged him and pleaded with him to just wake up.  I don't know if talking about it or keeping it to myself will help.  I don't know if typing here or going and talking to someone will help.  Right now I just want to sleep and not wake up for a while, but when I close my eyes I can't get the image of finding him out of my head.  I've been doing reading on the 5 stages of grief.  I know that I didn't stay in denial very long, but I'm stuck in bargaining and depression.  I haven't even had a moment to think about anger and I feel as though I'll never hit acceptance.  Granted I know it has only been 9 days, and I know this could take months or even years to get there, but it's scary, exhausting, hurtful, saddening.  Way to many emotions weighing down.  I went back to work yesterday because I know I need to keep busy or I won't get out of bed.  I figured lunchtime would be hard because I wouldn't be able to call him then, but man was I wrong.  The drive home was nearly unbearable.  Knowing that when I got back to town, he wouldn't be there, that was the worst.  I'm not consciously trying to suppress any emotions; some moments I feel like breaking down and others I feel beyond numb.  It's hard to get a grasp.

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