I've seen several people posting about all the regrets they have surrounding their spouses death.  I know how difficult that is to bear.  My Barry, the light of my heart, took his life.  I found him in the garage one morning, hanging by a rope.  For several days after he died, I was completely overcome with regret.  It ate away what was left of me.  I let it consume me completely.  Why didn't I see this coming?  What did he do differently in the days leading to this?  Why didn't I wake up just a little bit earlier that morning?

Then a strange thing happened.  After a few days of being dragged through hell, something changed.  I was at the point of being ready to join my husband.  Then it happened, a voice in a dream.  There he was.  My light.  He took me by the hand and explained everything.  And when I woke up, kicking and screaming because I didn't want to leave him, the regret had lessened.  I saw a pin point of light in front of me.  I realized that what I was calling "regret" was simply asking the question, "why", and it was getting me nowhere.  To those just stepping onto this path, please, PLEASE understand that this is the most useless question!  Instead, change the conversation in your head to this, "What would *name* expect me to be doing right now?"  

There are those who may have had a knock-down, drag-out fight with their loved one before they died, and never had the chance to make up.  Or they weren't there when their loved one left this world.  I don't want to be too harsh with this statement, however, it's what I've seen time and time again to be true.  Those types of regret are not for those we've lost.  Those are our own constructs inside our head.  It's telling us that, in some bizarre way, if we had been there or apologized, our loved one would still be with us.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  By doing that you're not helping your lost love with their new path, and you're not helping yourself with yours.  If you have something you feel you need to apologize for, then do it.  Your loved one is right there with you.  Yes, you'll look like you've lost your mind, but if it brings you peace of mind, go for it.  If you feel self-conscious, go buy yourself a Bluetooth headset, then people will just think you're on the phone.  I can almost guarantee that you'll feel all the better after talking to them.

When I start to have those feelings of doubt, which lead to regret, I call for Barry and I talk to him.  I may not receive a physical answer from him, but I know he'll figure out a way to let me know that I'm okay.  He's here with me, to help me get to the end of this, often ugly, path.  I often talk to him when I'm driving.  Most people think I'm just singing along to the radio.  The radio hasn't worked in his Jeep for years!  LOL

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Comment by Yaz Rooney on August 16, 2012 at 8:04am

Lovely article, and so helpful for those with unresolved issues with the one who passed. Thank you Christopher. Much love, Yaz

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