People look at you as if they can't believe that you still want to talk about it. I lost time between January and now and I can't believe 8months have passed. I still find myself saying he needs to just stop this and come home. I can not tell you the fear inside of me about the Holidays coming. And I will admit, I knew nothing would be there for my birthday But I went into the kitchen like I've done for 27 years and looked on the table and cried like a baby because nothing was there. They say it's all part of grief but to me it's like a state of madness. I mean, Where would the gift come from and how can he just stop this and come home?
When I say I'm tired of crying, I mean my behind is worn out as if I worked out. I walked passed the mirror one day and looked at myself.
You know the crazy lady in the background in a movie ,walking slow and slumped over, in a long robe ..OMG I was that nut.
Well after slipping in a place so dark I went through many feelings and I'm sure I will face more, Christmas will kick my butt.
But somehow I think it was when I got angry because he didn't keep his promise to me.
And then I was angry because know one knew the pain I was in. It was that anger that brought on a calmness. Now what are you going to do? It was the first time I felt any hope for myself since he passed away. OK, That was only a few days ago but I'm feeling OK right now, I have something to fight for. I'm fighting to make him proud of me . he would have so much faith in me and I know I can do this.
Now as far as time, 8 months?
I will love and miss my husband forever and a year