Now that it's been 8 months I get the look, (your still crying)?

People look at you as if they can't believe that you still want to talk about it. I lost time between January and now and I can't believe 8months have passed. I still find myself saying he needs to just stop this and come home. I can not tell you the fear inside of me about the Holidays coming. And I will admit, I knew nothing would be there for my birthday But I went into the kitchen like I've done for 27 years and looked on the table and cried like a baby because nothing was there. They say it's all part of grief but to me it's like a state of madness. I mean,  Where would the gift come from and how can he just stop this and come home?

When I say I'm tired of crying, I mean my behind is worn out as if I worked out. I walked passed the mirror one day and looked at myself.

You know the crazy lady in the background in a movie ,walking slow and slumped over, in a long robe ..OMG I was that nut.

Well after slipping in a place so dark I went through many feelings and I'm sure I will face more, Christmas will kick my butt.

But somehow I think it was when I got angry because he didn't keep his promise to me.

And then I was angry because know one knew the pain I was in. It was that anger that brought on a calmness. Now what are you going to do? It was the first time I felt any hope for myself since he passed away. OK, That was only a few days ago but I'm feeling OK right now, I have something to fight for. I'm fighting to make him proud of me . he would have so much faith in me and I know I can do this.

Now as far as time, 8 months?

I will love and miss my husband forever and a year

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Comment by Mrs Houston on September 27, 2011 at 9:22pm

Mrs Prater, First I am sorry for the loss of your dear husband. No matter how much time goes by, a death changes your life. Anyone who would dare fix their eyes to imply, 'Why is she still crying after this time?' is not someone you need around you. Although, I humbly admit I don't know the depth of your loss; I can feel your pain through your words. 27 years with someone alters your life and so does their absence. Let me tell you if no one does, I'm proud of you. Proud that you have mourned the way you needed to but more proud that you want to heal the way he would have wanted you to. You're moving forward not moving on from his memory. Your real friends and family want to see you happy and picking up the pieces but only you know the timetable for that. I'm happy that you have experienced a calm and a few good days. You are honoring his memory to keep fighting and moving forward. It's okay to cry; its a sign of strength, a release and a healing. If I may I'd like to share some of my favorite quotes:
-COMFORT-(Psalm 34:18) “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; And those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Philippians 4:6-7) Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let YOUR petitions be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard YOUR hearts and YOUR mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.

You may have read these verses before. You mentioned you feel like you were losing your mind, praying can give you a calm and a peace. I'm sure you've tried numerous things. I hope these thoughts comfort you as they have me in times of loss. Feel free to contact me anytime, you're in my thoughts and prayers.


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