We have managed somehow through his birthday and all the holidays and now in just 24hrs on June 7th it will be 1yr since my son Christian left us for Paradise.

The more I hear that time heals the more I want to scream!

I "thought" even sometimes "think" I am doing better, then Boom! Something or someone triggers it again and again and again.

My ex-husband (Christian Father) this his only son has turned to memorializing him in every way! Tattoo's all over his body, finishing their 1973 project truck to hold on to for Christians son for when he turns 16 (11yrs) from now, etc.

My oldest daughter That was saved the same day as Christian, Now hates me and her father and blames us both for everything wrong she has ever done in her life even though she was brought up in a non-drinking, non-abusive and drug free home!

Next oldest daughter Was very close to Christian, but they had a fallen out over her then boyfriend and weren't talking when he died, We thought we were going to lose her as well, she is now in an In-Patient Treatment Facility.

My youngest son I think to this day is still in denial, I have only seen him cry maybe twice and he and Christian lived together and he also is the one who helped me do CPR on Christian.

He just will not discuss it.

And Me, Christian's Mama  I just don't know anymore? Who am I now that my Christian is gone?

We did everything together! I raised him, I helped him raise his baby, we sang, we danced, we act silly and we laughed and we cried together, everyday he called me several times a day "Mama whatcha doin"

And at night, "Gettin ready to go to bed got to get up early just wanted to say I love you"

And then nothing......

No more phone calls, no more nothing.........

How in Gods name am I suppose to know who I am without him?

I know since he left I am lost, I am sad, I am confused, I am (not) mad but, I am still trying to figure out what my purpose is without him?

What am I suppose to do everyday? I finally went back to work, but I cry at work too!

Since this Anniversary has approached he/his memories has kept me awake constantly making the emotions that much worse.




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