I feel that I have found a sounding board. I'm struggling every minute of every day over the loss of the man I gave my heart and soul to. I am so lucky to have had the time we did have together. I feel cheated and completely heart broke over Joe's sudden death. I torture myself over the if only's and why has this happened. I am still in a state of disbelief that this man who was my best friend, my life partner could possibly be gone. Joe died while at work out of town. He was a engineer for the railroad. We text back and forth and talked to each other every chance we would get. We constantly thought about each other when we were apart and the only time that was is when we were working. That was the case from the day we started dating. I had known this beautiful man for several years. I bartend and he would frequent the bar I worked at. He had suggested many times that he would like to date me. I of course look back now and wish with all my being I would have takin him up on his invitations long before I finally did. I had always thought he was very goodlooking charming and had a bit of a wild side along with a great sense of humor. I will say that when I finally took him up on his invitation for a date I had found the man I absolutely without question wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Joe wrote me beautiful love letters and touching thoughtful text. His love for me was just as intense and he felt he had finally found what he had been searching for. To have that kind of love even once in a lifetime I am greatful. I being in my mid 40's, Joe turning 55 this last July needless to say both had our life bagage. We got along so well and wanted the same things out of life it was a dream to me. Every couple has their issues to work out and when we would argue we would later laugh over how rediculous we would act. Silly drama and we were both guilty of acting like a couple of children at times. Bottom line is we could not stand being apart. I have been desperate in my thinking that I will wake from this horrible nightmare and run to each other as we've done so many times before. I have to stop for awhile. I'll write more later.