I'm trying to start from the beginning

With my very first memory of you

I remember sitting on a bench

I had grazed my knee

I remember you wiping the blood away

I remember eating dried pineapples with you

From a little fridge in a caravan

To me they were like lollies

I remember yanking your beard like it was a toy all the time

I remember when you shaved it off and we giggled at you because you looked so different

I remember you give me my first taste of beer and puff of a ciggie when I was about 3

To teach me that it was groce you reckon

It was but I still felt cool

I remember you on your motorbike

I remember you tucking me in at night

If it was cold I would ask you to snuggle me in until the blankets had warmed up

I remember when you'd carry me to bed when I'd fall asleep on the couch, most the time I was pretending

I remember mum going away and you let us kids have all the bubblegum we wanted

I remember you going away to work and I used to get scared you wouldnt come back

I had nightmares something bad would happen to you

But you always came back

I remember going fishing with you, and going for walks on the beach, I was forever hunting the purple shells in Greenhead.

I remember you digging me my own little pool at the beach coz I kept getting stung by blue bottles

I remember you coming home from the ocean each day with jewies and crayfish and crabs. But the best was when you'd come home with a wobblygong shark for us to play doctors and nurses on.

I remember the long drives to perth and back whenever we lived away. I remember the way you would look back at us and do something to make us laugh.

I remember you teaching us to drive in the bushtracks, and doing wibbly-wobblys on the road.

I remember family holidays with the weinmans, i remember when you went under the glass bottom boat.

I remember when you'd pick me up from school in your dorky 'arafat' hat. I remember going to work with you, you reckon i was a better brickie than any of the blokes you employed.

I remember going for family walks, and roller blading, and bike riding and trips to mpenguin island, we'd walk along the sand bar there and swim on the way back. We'd explore and snorkel and catch fish.

I remember things started going off track but that you were always still a loving dad, you always loved us so much and were always trying to make us laugh.

I remember our stupid holiday to queensland that was so funny but so wrong at the same time. I remember you dancing like a goof in the kitchen.

I remember you buttering a sandwich. i remember eating dog food with you coz we double dared each other. I remember you setting me up when I first started smoking weed to catch me out.

I remember smoking with you and you'd make me laugh and mess with my head by oulling funny faces and saying weird things then acting normal.

I rememeber you lighting your farts on fire and teaching us about 'piss rings'.

I remember coming home to be inrtroduced to your new circus friends, who thought they were pretty special and I didnt give two shits.

Then I remember when you told me you were running away with circus, before long we were all there. I remember you driving the monkey truck and bringing the props out during the show, but telling people at the pub you were the lion whisperer.

I remember when you left and moved to Qld and I saw you's and you's had gotten fat coz you were eating special butter everyday.

I remember when we worked together at Skardon River, and then Swan River Kaolin.

I remember how stoked you were when I met Lee. And then when I was gonna have Billy.

I remember Billys first christmas and we all got busted up the night before and had the funniest night. When we woke up the next day I found pictures in my camera of you, after we'd gone to bed you took a bunch of "selfies", pulling all kinds of heads, skulling jacks and then you wrapped your head in glad wrap.

I remember the day we got home from Europe, we were meant to be "on the health" but seeing as you's were visiting Lee decided to open our duty free and before we knew it Lee was a lady bug and you's were giggling like a binch of girls and plotting to go to alfreds in stealth mode, but light fires the whole way there so you's would know yow to get back.

I remember my wedding and you were so nervous about the speech and I told ya not to stress would be all good, I wasnt even writing one (which turned out great, I forgot to mention you in Take 1)

I remember my heart racing a million miles an hour as you helped me out the limo

I remember walking down to lee, I remember you stopped to get my veil that was nearly tripping me over

I remember later when you did your speech, if only i could remember what you said coz the dumb f**k videographer missed most of it, I thought it was so cute that you were so nervous, you did really well but.

I remember later when the night was almost over, but then ours was just getting started, was one of the funnest nights ever.

I remember you coming to Bindoon, where you set up your tent, I sat there the other day to try and be with you.

I remember how much you loved Billy and how much he loved his Grandad

I remember you yelling "billy", but like "coo-ee" on our block, Billy thought it was hilarous and tried to copy you

I remember the last week before you left. For dans court case, you were doing everything you could to be there for him and make sure that poor excuse for a human didnt ruin his life. You looked so smart every day. You were so happy with how things were going. I remember when you thought one of the jurors saw you in the street and smiled at you, that gave you so much hope things would go our way.

I remember we went out for lunch during a break, just the two of us, I paid, probably for the first time ever, you were chuffed that I wanted to buy you lunch. I remember walking past that shop and with the cool handbags and you said we could come back the next day and I could pick one out for my christmas present.

Then the next day, you got me my bag. Then the last day of the case, Dan won and everything was so good and so happy. We went out for lunch. We were celebrating and still should have been.

Things went to shit after that. The rest of my memories should have been good but they arent.

The worst thing is that despite all these memories, its like they're in the distance, I cant see them properly, I cant see your face, I cannot hear your voice. You feel unreachable, but Im trying so hard to find you and reach out to you.

I hate the fact that this is all I have now, a list of memories and some photos. I want more than that, its not fair that I dont get to have anything more than that. You are in my mind everyday, every conversation I have with something I am reminded of something about you and it sucks coz I have to sit there and go on like everything is normal but its never going to be again, because every memory of you is tainted with sadness, because you should just fucking be here. Life was never perfect, but now its tainted, it will get easier but it will always be sad, we will always hurt and we will never know all the answers.

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