I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with Tom. I met Tom when I was 28. He was wonderful. He was tall dark and handsome. He was such a hard worker and so devoted to me and our kids. I had one boy from a previous marriage. Tom was a devoted step father, my son adored him.Together we had two more children. Nine years after we were married Tom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Six months after his diagnosis he passed away. Here I was 40 years old with three kids all alone. I remember thinking that I had no idea how elderly people cope with the death of a spouse. I knew if it wasn't for my children I would never get out of bed. But, I did have kids, I HAD to work, and clean, and continue to live, even if I didn't want to. Slowly I learned how to deal with my grief, and got on living.

  Two years after Tom's death I remarried. I married Mike. Mike was as different from Tom as night and day. Tom was quiet, Mike was bouncy. Tom was steady, Mike was a wild eyed country boy and unpredictable. Tom had been a butcher by trade, Mike was a retired bull rider.  We had so much fun together. I really needed some fun after the heart break of loosing a spouse. The first two years were some of the best of my life. 

  After a while I came to realize that even though Mike was so much fun he was also very depressed. He began to drink pretty heavily. About this time he injured his knee and needed surgery. This is where he became addicted to pain pills. After that his shoulder was injured so he kept on the pain pills. I took him to three different Dr's. During this time he made two attempts at suicide by overdosing. He was hospitalized twice for addiction and twice for suicide attempts. On January 5 he took his life in our bedroom with a gun. I am back to not wanting to get up again. I am 46 and twice widowed. But, I still have kids, and I still have to get up, go to work, clean the house, and keep living. Even though I don't always want to.

I think this time is harder since people are so freaked out by suicide that they do not want to talk about it. Some don't want to even acknowledge my loss. They don't know what to say so they say nothing. I am so deep in my grief right now. I know it will get easier. I know it will never go away, just get easier.

 This entire year has just been full of grief. We lost Mike's brother to suicide in August. I lost my Mother in April. One day before Mike died we had buried his father. Enough! Really! I have had ENOUGH!!

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