SO LOST AND CONFUSED

HI MY NAME IS JENNIFER CRUZ AND I HAVE NEVER VISITED THIS KIND OF WEBSITE. I LOST MY HUSBAND CAESAR CRUZ ON DEC.11,2009. HE WAS SHOT AND KILLED BY THE ANAHEIM POLICE DEPARTMENT AT THE WALMART PARKINGLOT IN THE CITY OF ANAHEIM. I WAS WITH MY HUSBAND SINCE OCT 1,1995. IN THOSE 14 YEARS GOD GAVE US 4 HANDSOME BOYS OF OUR OWN PLUS I GAINED A STEP-SON WHICH HE HAD BEFORE WE MET. ITS BEEN OVER A YEAR AND WE STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY ANSWERS TO WHY HE WAS MURDERED. AT FIRST I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO ACT. ACTUALLY ALL THAT I KEPT TELLING MYSELF IS "I HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR MY BOYS." ALSO THIS WAS MY FIRST FUNERAL EVER. MY SISTER TELLS ME SHE DOESN'T THINK HIS LOSS HAS HIT ME YET. AND AS WEIRED AND DUMB AS THIS SOUNDS I TELL HER, "I KNOW HE'S DEAD I WAS THERE AT THE FUNERAL, BUT I FIND MYSELF STILL WAITING FOR HIM TO COME HOME AS IF HE WE'RE ON VACATION. THEN ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO DEAL WITH IS RELATING TO MY BOYS WHOS AGES ARE 18, 13, 11, 9, AND 4. THE REASON IT'S SO IS BECAUSE I'M 34 YRS OLD AND I HAVE BOTH MY PARENTS. AND IF AT TIMES I MYSELF DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH LET ALONE MY POOR KIDS. WELL THIS IS MY STORY HOPE I CAN GET SOME FEEDBACK,SUGGESTIONS,HELP.

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Comment by Jennifer Avila on February 1, 2011 at 10:18am: Hello, Jennifer. We have had a few funerals in our family over the past 2 years I was looking through this site for some comforting words I could find to pass on to hurting family & friends and your blog touched me deeply. I know you can't see through the fog right now, but one day it will lift and you will be at peace. Ditto what Dianne says, God has so much more planned for you & your boys. Trust Him. He does bottle every tear & those lonely nights when you think you cannot go on - reach out to him in prayer - He is holding you near. I will be praying for you & your boys.

Comment by Dianne on January 31, 2011 at 11:23pm: Hello, Jennifer; I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't lost a husband, but I did lose my father to suicide and my mother from what I thought was a broken heart. Death is death know matter how we look at it. And the feeling is the same - lonely, angry, sometimes bitter, the list goes on. You may not have the answers right now but out of all of what has happened, there's something that God has for you to do. It may take some time for you to figure it out, because the pain is still there and you have to adjust to something new each and every day. But God loves you. I wrote a book called "Healing Through God's Love" You can Google it and the book will come up. Trust God and keep a journal of your path and as you start to heal God's purpose for your life will be revealed. Stay sweet and know that this site is for you whenever you want to talk and ask questions. Try and go to a grief support group through a church. It will help. If you feel that it is too overwhelming then do not push yourself. Wait and then go back later. Grief support groups are so helpful. Take care and again welcome to the site.