I keep telling myself all is going to be ok and I can keep going but deep inside I can't. I wake up and really don't care if I do or don't. I want to feel safe again. I want to have peace of mind. I just have this nagging feeling I missed something. I didn't pay enough attention. I gave the drs to much freedom. I go over and over the last 7 years and some of it is just a blurr. I can't remember nothing. It is like my mind shut down and I went went through the motions of life. I was frozen in time. I was frozen in space and time it all stood still. Now I would do anything just to have a few more minutes to be frozen in time with my son. Just to hear him say he is feeling just peachy. Which ment the was he was feeling ruff. I would die to hear him say Mom one more time. Seems like I have had but endless trail of pain for the last years and it isn't going to get better becuse he isn't here. I am selfish and I want him here. I want my family back. I want to see my kids laugh again. I want to sit and watch them in the living room playing their games while me and their sister watch. Hours we did that. Did I make a mistake? Did I do enough? Did I make the right decisions? What and where did all this come from. What did I do to bring this down on my kids that they have to be sad for the rest of their lives. They lost their Brother and 1 year and 1 month they lost their dad. How can my kids ever be happy? I know nothing will ever be the same.