I have never posted anything so personal as this in any kind of chat

rooms or anything similar, so if it seems that I am going on and on and on

it's because this, I guess, is my way of coping and hopefully part of the road  

to my grief recovery.  I lost my gay  life-partner and my soul-mate a little

over a year ago.  Many people have told me that it gets easier with each day

that passes.  I have to agree to a certain degree.  Some days it seems that all

is going just fine, but then out of nowhere, the grief strikes again and I feel like

I was the one who had died.  I didn't realize until Micheal (Mykeel) died just how

important he was to me.  I felt completely lost and did not know what to do next.

He owned the house that we lived in and his family inherited the estate so I was

faced with not only dealing with his death but having to find a new place to live

that I could afford.  I have only been working part-time for the last year and did not

have anything in savings to fall back on.  Fortunately a friend gave me some good

lead on a place to live and I jumped on it.  I also had to make arrangements for a

memorial service which didn't occur until 6 months after his death.  By that time I

felt like I was pretty much over the initial shock until the day of the memorial.  Suddenly

everything came back to me as if he had just died the day before.  I couldn't take the

stress of it and having to work a job that I hated so I quit my job and have been

struggling ever since.  Each day is an absolute struggle just to get out of bed.  I try

to welcome each day with a good attitude but somehow the lack of strength and

enthusiasm takes control and I feel as weak as a kitten.  Depression is a daily weight

which bears down on me like a ton of bricks.  I just want him back!  I used to fear

death but lately I find myself inviting it more and more so that can rid myself of all

this pain.  I go to bed asking Micheal to please, if he can help me, take me with him.

I know I am not alone with these feelings.  If anyone out there reads this and has had

similar feelings, I ask that you respond.  I have been trying to keep busy all summer

helping people with their yard work but since the weather has turned nasty there's

really nothing to do.  I find myself really struggling trying to muster up enough energy

to even do some job hunting and sending out resumes.  I absolutely hate job hunting

to begin with and to compound it, I don't feel that my first impressions would be the

best considering the feelings and moods I've been in for the last year.  Maybe I'm just

slowly going crazy and nature will take care of the rest of it for me.

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Comment by Barbara Rieger on December 29, 2015 at 4:16pm

Hey Keith I had an issue with my computer and resigned in and I have not one friend with all that I had. One member on latest conversation said my stuff is still there. However, I can't get over to the main page of loss of a child. My husband tried but invain. I have no messages so if you see this note the long post I sent you just before Christmas. You had mentioned about going to have Christmas dinner with friends at a rehab and thought it would be fun.

If my letter is long it's because I've always been a writer. Hope you enjoyed your Christmas visit with your friend and his wife!

Barbara Rieger

Comment by Barbara Rieger on November 17, 2015 at 12:41am

Hi Keith, please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your partner and soul mate. Everything you're feeling and wrote about how your feeling is totally normal. I'm so sorry that his family inherited his estate. As far as not working I do believe you need to send out the resumes and get a job you are qualified for. It will actually help you to live a better life than you have been doing since Michaels passing. One time in my life I was practising my lines for a play. Unfortunately, the play never took place because only half of the players showed up and we never had the play. Anyway, the one thing I took away was something that I often have said to myself when I didn't want to do something: "Sometimes there are things we don't want to do but we do them because they must be done!" Hopefully, that sentence will help you as it has helped me in the past. If you click on my name and say something I'll answer you. My eyes are closing and it's going on 2am eastern time. Sincerely, Barbara

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