Hi, I am Tegan's Mum (Bernadine or Pepe to my friends). My daughter Tegan took her life on the 10th of May 2011. And my life has been affected in every possible way. Even though it is 12 months ago, time has stood still for me. People have said to me, it will get better in time but time means nothing. Time, all it means to me is it has been 12 months since I seen her, touched her or spoke or kissed her. It reminds me of the time I haven't seen her, not how it is 12 months now and I should be almost recovered from my grief. It is consuming and I have not been very nice at times :(. I have had counselling and I am now trying it again. So here's hoping. 

My Tegan took her life by hanging herself from her apartment's balcony. She had Mental illness. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). She had attempted suicide multiple times and for many years prior to her being successful, it was a nightmare. It was chaos. I was stressed, sad, emotionally tortured. Tegan was beautiful, funny, witty, charismatic, charming and loving. And no one suspected she was mentally ill. I tried to keep it to ourselves as I did not want her judged. Trying to protect her. She was in and out of Psychiatric hospitals. Hating me one minute and loving me the next (part of her illness). She fought with me over the phone the night she took her life. She hung up on me then went outside and hung herself:(.

But now she is not here, life is eerily silent. However I am still stressed, sad and emotionally tortured but now it is because she has died and I am consumed with grief and guilt :(. 

I have another beautiful daughter (Paige) and a son (Joel). The are great young people and have been a tower of strength to me. But I have changed. I am trying to rise up from this deep grief but it pulls me back. So that is what has brought me here. I am looking for something to inspire me and maybe find someone else that can understand me. And been in my shoes to give me some tools to use to get ME back.

Thankyou for reading :) Pepe

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